FIRST!

I couldn't think of a original name for a blog, as everything has already been taken, so I hit the 'random article' button on Wikipedia hoping to find inspiration.

Shame society

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A shame society is one in which the primary device for gaining control over children and maintaining control over adults is the inculcation of shame and the complementary threat of ostracism. A shame society is to be distinguished from a guilt society in which control is maintained by creating and continually reinforcing the feeling of guilt (and the expectation of punishment now or in the hereafter) for certain condemned behaviors. Recently this distinction has been criticized as nothing more than a semantic existentialism.^{[citation needed]}

I'm being laid off by the daily newspaper I've happily worked for for the last year and with this job market it's unlikely that I'll see another decent writing job in months, so... hey. Blog. It'll keep me busy.

CYOA

original

Choose your own adventure!

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

BOY GEORGE was sentenced to 15 months in prison yesterday in London for . . .

OK, wait. This story is so ridiculous, and involves so many bad, bad decisions, that SatTatt just can't do it justice in a regular column. It is a worthy subject for the very first . . . SatTatt Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Column!

You are a 47-year-old former pop star with a couple of big hits, but you are known mostly for the flamboyant hairstyles and makeup you wore in the '80s. It's April 2007, and you connect with a Norwegian male escort via gaydar.com and have him over for an erotic photo shoot, a couple of friendly lines of coke and an unnamed-in-family-papers sex act or two. You later suspect that the escort hacked your computer and stole personal pictures while at your place. What do you do?

If you decide that the escort is untrustworthy and don't invite him back, go to 6.

If you decide to invite the escort back to your apartment, go to 4.

1. Oh, no! You are arrested! You are taken in front of the judge. How do you plead?

Innocent! The escort was totally into that stuff, and besides, you were soooooooo high. Go to 3.

Innocent! As if you'd be dumb enough to endanger your career like that. Go to 3.

Innocent! But you refuse to testify at your trial to save your dying mother's virgin ears. Go to 3.

Innocent! That guy was ripped, you're clearly way too fat and old to have beaten him up. Go to 3.

Innocent! Seriously, that escort STOLE your PICTURES and you had to detain him. Go to 3.

Guilty! You're sorry, that wasn't cool. Go to 5.

2. Uh oh, looks like you should have handcuffed him to something a little more solid! When you walk back in with a carton of BDSM implements, Carlsen breaks loose and runs into the street wearing only his underwear, sneakers and your handcuffs. What do you do?

If you chase the escort down, hitting him with a metal chain, go to 1.

If you do absolutely anything else, go to 5.

3. You are found guilty! The judge sentences you to 15 months in prison, saying, "Whilst I accept that Mr. Carlsen's physical injuries were not serious or permanent, in my view there can be no doubt that your premeditated, callous and humiliating handcuffing and detention of Mr. Carlsen shocked, degraded and traumatized him." The end!

4. Ah, here's the strapping young Nordic escort, 28-year-old Audun Carlsen, knocking at your front door! What do you do?

To confront him about your suspicions, go to 6.

To do some more coke, take some more nude photos and then, with the help of a second guy, ambush the escort and handcuff him to a hook on your wall, go to 2.

5. You maybe avoid jail time, although this is looking less and less likely. The end!

6.You maybe avoid jail time. The end!

A final note on the Boy George trial: the lawyer for the illegally detained escort said in court, no joke, "Did he really have to hurt him?" The Guardian calls this an "apparently accidental allusion to Culture Club's 1982 No. 1 hit," but. . . come on.

At Last, a First Song

The title of the song Beyonce will sing at the celebrity-filled Neighborhood Inaugural Ball, in which the Obamas will have their first dance as president and first lady, was released yesterday: Despite SatTatt's pleas for "Love in This Club, Pt. 2," the Obamas opted for the Etta James standard "At Last."

Beyonce's no stranger to the song; she recorded it this year for the soundtrack of "Cadillac Records," in which she and a grandmotherly blond wig portrayed the blues legend. *

Billie Jean: He is the one

Original

Billie Jean files lawsuit saying that he is the one

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

TAKING THE prize for the weirdest court papers of the month (if not year), a woman who claims to be the mother of Michael Jackson's 6-year-old son is suing for partial custody and child support.

The child in question's government name is Prince Michael Jackson II, but is referred to in court documents as "Blanket Jackson"; nicknames are a necessity when you name your two sons Prince Michael Jackson I and Prince Michael Jackson II.

Jackson has stated that Blanket is the product of artificial insemination with a surrogate mother.

There are a few things in the court documents that make you think the petitioner may not be all there. The surreality enumerated:

1. The woman's name is given on the documents as Billie Jean Jackson. OK, could be a really weird coincidence, but:

2. The woman is asking for ONE BILLION DOLLARS. The sum is actually capitalized in the court documents. SatTatt realizes that this is just how they do things in court documents, but all she can think of is Dr. Evil.

3. This quote: "NOW THEREFORE, the Petitioner, BILLIE JEAN JACKSON, files this Complaint because she always is arrested at the home of her Husband, MICHAEL J. JACKSON." Uh, wait, what?

Looking into it a bit more, SatTatt noted that police in Santa Barbara, Calif., in March arrested a woman going by the name of Billie Jean Jackson for attempting to scale the fence at Jackson's Neverland Ranch. The woman, who at the time was an apparently spry 60 years old, had been turned away by the guards after she demanded to be let in, as she was Jackson's wife.

After being turned away, Billie Jean then went a few yards down the road and tried to climb the fence in full view of the same guards, who told police that it wasn't the first time they'd had problems with the woman.

It is uncertain whether this is the same Billie Jean Jackson, aka Lavon Powlis or Lavon Muhammad, who filed a $150 million paternity suit against Jackson in 1988 and who was sent to jail for two years in 1989 for violating a restraining order to stay 100 yards away from Jackson's home.

In addition to ONE BILLION DOLLARS, Billie Jean is asking for visits with Blanket on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, as well as a say in his education. SatTatt doesn't like to be a Negative Nancy, but this lawsuit may not be successful.

SatTatt trivia: The video for "Billie Jean" was the first by a black artist to play on MTV, and was the debut of the moonwalk. Jackson has said in interviews that there is no real Billie Jean who inspired the song; the name represents all the groupies who used to hang around his brothers in the Jackson 5.

Inanity now!

Paris Hilton's home in Sherman Oaks, Calif., was burglarized yesterday. Police say a man wearing a hoodie and gloves broke in around 5 a.m. and ransacked the heiress's bedroom. L.A. police will not confirm what, if anything, was stolen.*

Daily News wire services contributed to this report.

Angelina Jolie, media genius?

original

Angelina Jolie, media genius?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

WHAT DOES the New York Times business section have in common with US Weekly? Well, now they've both used anonymous sources in articles about Angelina Jolie.

But while US's latest tipster provides lurid details from the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," the Times quotes two anonymous insiders involved with the $14 million deal that Jolie and partner Brad Pitt cut with People for the first pictures of their twin daughters in August.

The sources claim that part of the deal put on the auction block was not just money, but that the winning bidder would provide only positive coverage of the Jolie-Pitt family in the future.

The Times investigative piece, titled "Angelina Jolie's Carefully Orchestrated Image," yesterday edged out articles on sexy topics like the seized-up credit market and falling grain prices to become the most e-mailed article in the business section.

People, of course, denied that they basically sold editorial content. But as other tabloids delve into the specifics of when exactly Jolie and Pitt first got together (following high-profile comments from Jennifer Aniston in Vogue this month saying that what Jolie did was "uncool") and whether Pitt was still married at the time, a search of People's stories on Jolie over the past month turn up . . . something on her new hairdo. The kids being cute. Getting back from doing humintarian work in Afghanistan. Nothing involving Aniston.

Now, perhaps People has come to the conclusion that damn, "Friends" has been off the air for four years now and Jennifer Aniston has done almost nothing with her time since then except make unsuccessful romantic comedies and garner pity from tabloids. Aniston's cultural relevance is rooted in the '90s and People would therefore be best served by keeping up a good relationship with the Jolie-Pitts. Or maybe they're just on team Jolie-Pitt because Aniston blew off an interview in the '90s, who knows?

* But taking a breather before SatTatt gets too media-wonked out, Hello! Magazine quotes Jolie as saying that first few years of her son Pax's life in a Vietnamese orphanage were so rough that even after two years of living with fabulously wealthy parents, the 5-year-old still hides food for later. He does it "even though we explain there will be more tomorrow," Jolie said.

So . . . there's that. SatTatt hasn't rescued any hungry children from a probable life of poverty lately, much less three. Therefore, she is willing to overlook the fact that Jolie, who made out with her brother in public, wore around a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood and got serious with the husband of a rather beloved sitcom actress and emerged from it all with a great public image, clearly has all us media folk wrapped around her little finger.

Inanity now!

* Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz are now proud parents of a baby boy named Bronx Mowgli. All well-wishers are asked to greet the newborn blessed with this unusual city-nature fusion name with Axl Rose-like screeches of "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?! YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!"

* Michael Phelps is taking his 14 gold medals and going to rep for Subway, as SatTatt guesses Jared has lost a bit of his luster. The press release quotes Phelps (and yes, the R's are all for (R)eal): "SUBWAY(R) restaurants have always given me the options that I am looking for - whether that's healthy sandwiches before a big meet or the tasty meatball sub that I treat myself with," stated Michael Phelps. "I was ready to take my SUBWAY(R) fan-dom to the next level - I really think of SUBWAY(R) as a champion food option."

SatTatt guesses it's a long, cold four years until the next Olympics.

* Jodie Sweetin, who played middle daughter Stephanie Tanner on the ABC sitcom "Full House," yesterday filed for separation from her husband of about 16 months, Cory Herpin.

Up until the filing, Sweetin had nothing but good things to say about her now-ex, saying that he had been instrumental in her kicking a crystal-meth habit that began when "Full House" ended.

* Finally, a judge yesterday granted a preliminary divorce to Madonna and Guy Ritchie. They will share custody of their two sons, while Madonna's daughter Lourdes will stay with her mother. The couple chose to take care of splitting up their assets themselves (so no big Heather Mills payout announcement), but the British press has been reporting that neither party is going after the other's purse. The divorce will become final in six weeks. Stay classy.*

Oh god let Kendra move to Philly

original

Here's hoping Philly gets a new Girl Next Door

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

IN SOMEWHAT Philly-related news, Holly Madison told fellow Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson that she had better be a bridesmaid at Wilkinson's upcoming wedding to Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett, who proposed last Saturday atop Seattle's Space Needle, a day before the Birds played the Seahawks.

The engagement was announced Thursday by Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend, Hugh Hefner. This item is only tangentially Philly-related, sadly: The wedding will be held next June at the Playboy Mansion on the bride's coast, where Hef will be giving her away.

No word on whether "The Girls Next Door" will be filming the ceremony or whether the other Girls Next Door will be bridesmaids, although SatTatt figures that given reality-show contracts, both are likely.

Also, no word on if the couple plan on making Philadelphia their joint home base (SatTatt has her fingers so crossed). They've been spotted in Philly several times in the past few months. Wilkinson notably showed up at an Eagles game in September wearing a midriff-baring 84 jersey, Baskett's number.

But don't go staking out the Olive Garden on Broad and Chestnut just yet: The couple has the long-distance thing all figured out.

"He lives across the country, so we Skype," Wilkinson told talk-show host Chelsea Handler, referring to the online video-streaming service. "When you're cross-country, you have to do the Skype-sex thing. It's way better than phone sex. Way better!"

SatTatt hopes the two young lovers decide to shack up here. It's the City of Brotherly Love! When you're here, you're family!

She don't care what they say!

Singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge implied in an angry blog post that her response to the passage of California's Proposition 8, which denied gays the right to legally marry, would be to stop paying her taxes.

"So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? . . . she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen."

Etheridge also mentioned that the state would be sad to lose the "bazillion" tax dollars of fellow outlesbian Ellen DeGeneres, whose marriage to actress Portia de Rossi also was invalidated by Proposition 8, although DeGeneres has made no similar promise.

Although Etheridge's comments can be taken as satirical, she'd be joining a long list of celebrities who have evaded taxes for ethical reasons. Admittedly, many of them (notably the recently jailed tax-denier and "Blade" star Wesley Snipes) have more vague ethical issues with taxes, i.e. their firm, deep-seated belief that, uh, they shouldn't have to pay them. *

Fey + Palin

Original

Fey & Palin: Face-to-face on 'SNL'?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

DAVID LETTERMAN followed up the excitement of John McCain's somewhat-tense guest spot Thursday (McCain stood the show up in late September, to Letterman's ire) with an appearance by McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin! No, wait . . .

Oops, SatTatt forgot that the campaign seems to have banned Palin from doing anything, especially talk shows, that might be fodder for "Saturday Night Live" writers. But, you ask, isn't Palin goin' on SNL this very evening?

Actually, SatTatt posits that SNL's probably the only place Palin's safe from SNL. It would be way too postmodern for SNL to parody a politician's guest spot on their own show. Postmodernism is rarely sketch-comedy gold.

The McCain campaign hasn't been forthcoming about what sketches Alaska's governor might appear in tonight, but Palin mentioned yesterday in an interview with syndicated radio host Neal Boortz that she likes the idea of playing Tina Fey.

"I just want to be there to show Americans that we will rise above the political shots that we take," said Palin.

Wait, what was SatTatt talking about? Oh, right! Letterman of course didn't actually manage to book Palin, but he got the closest thing this side of Wasilla: "30 Rock" star and Palin ringer Tina Fey, who spent a bit discussing her uncanny impersonations of the vice-presidential candidate on SNL over the last few weeks.

Fey was modest about her impression skills, which seem to have gotten as much media attention in the last few weeks as everything Joe Biden has done in the last few months put together. She said that nobody's had an easier job, accent-wise, since Billy Bob Thornton did "Sling Blade."

Fey broke Palin's accent down as "a little bit Fargo, a little bit Reese Witherspoon in 'Election' " with dashes of her friend Paula's grandmother and a love of the letter R thrown in.

Fey did seem a bit uncomfortable right after slipping into Palin's voice on request, as if realizing that she was going to be called on to chirp "I'll have to get back to ya!" for the next 10 years.

Barker leaves hospital

Four weeks to the day after surviving a plane crash, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker was released from a L.A. burn center yesterday. He wrote in his blog yesterday morning that he was healing fast and would be out "b4 you know it," along with a picture of his hand, covered in tattoos and nasty-looking burns, flipping off the camera (to demonstrate what he thought of life in the hospital, although he later amended that the Sherman Oaks Burn Center was in fact very nice, he just didn't like being in any hospital).

DJ AM, the only other survivor of the crash that killed the other four people aboard the plane, also appears to be getting back to normal, appearing onstage with Jay-Z this week.*

Double trouble

Original

Double trouble

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
Philadelphia Daily News

HUGH HEFNER didn't shock the world at all earlier this month when he announced that two of his three girlfriends were moving on to do other things and he would likely be replacing them with a pair of twin sisters, Karissa and Kristina Shannon.

That's just how Hef rolls! He founded Playboy! He wears a smoking jacket! He has a grotto! He dates twins sometimes!

Unfortunately for Hef, now that his life and loves are documented in the reality show "The Girls Next Door," his pick of girlfriends has become a more public affair, to the point that he maybe should start vetting.

It came out earlier this week that Hef's new lady friends were arrested this past January in St. Petersburg, Fla., for allegedly assaulting a woman with whom the twins worked at a Hooters-ish establishment.

Two months prior, though, Karissa was arrested for allegedly assaulting her own sister, who was wearing only blue jeans at the time. From the police report, which is undoubtedly hanging framed on the wall of some Florida police-break room:

A neighbor ". . . was woken up by the commotion going on outside . . . he saw the victim on the ground, and her twin sister standing over her kicking her in the face. Although [the witness] could not identify which sister was which, he was able to identify the two fighting as the twin sisters that live on the second floor of the apartment."

That's the problem with hot twin-on-twin crime: Witnesses can't tell them apart.

The arrest report lists the birth dates of the twins, and they are not only younger than SatTatt, but younger than SatTatt's little sister.

So in honor of the high school that Hef's new girlfriends so recently attended, here's a SatTatt brainteaser (answer at end of column):

Hugh Hefner is dating twins. In two years, Hef will be twice as old as the sum of the twins' combined ages. Twelve years ago, Hef was 10 times as old as his girlfriends.

Q: How old is Hugh Hefner, how old are his girlfriends, and how much better would the SATs be if they let SatTatt write the questions?

A. 78, 23, so much better

B. 72, 21, a little better

C. 76, 20, sooooooooooo much better

D. 82, 19, so much better that I'd be solving SatTatt word problems in my spare time

High School Musical it isn't

Teen idol Zac Efron is reportedly trying to break out of the wholesome image established for him by Disney and "High School Musical" by following in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliffe. Radcliffe managed to banish the spectre of Harry Potter with his starring role in the Peter Shaffer play Equus, getting rave reviews for his performances in London and New York. The lead is a mentally ill young man who is nude onstage for a solid half-hour.

The rumor can be traced back to British tabloid the Sun, which quoted Efron as saying, "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway . . . well, it's been mentioned," at the London premiere of "High School Musical 3" yesterday.

It's likely that Efron was joking; Disney tightly controls the images of its teen stars (remember the scandal over those Vanity Fair photos of Miley Cyrus?) and doing Equus probably would mess with his contract. But boy, it would guarantee another sold-out six months of the Broadway production for sure. *