Just like us!

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Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorcing - JUST LIKE US!

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

It appears that the accumulated rumors are true - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. And, in one of those rare flashes of humanity that gossip columnists always treasure like diamonds, it doesn't look as if it's going to be one of those nasty, bitter, weave-snatching Hollywood divorces that seem to be all the rage these days (see Mills/McCartney, Basinger/Baldwin, Richards/Sheen, SatTatt could go on).

The Daily Mirror, which broke the news yesterday, tells a pretty sad story of a couple who drifted apart. The British tabloid quoted a anonymous friend of the couple, who said, "They were both very calm. Madonna told Guy: 'I'm sorry, I want a divorce'. And he agreed. It was quite painless but very sad."

It reminds SatTatt a bit of that "Celebrities: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!" feature that runs in US Weekly. It features pictures of celebrities caught without their glamour on; getting Chinese takeout braless, picking up their chihuahua's poop in a plastic baggie, buying tampons at the grocery. It's like that, but with the enthusiastic captions written by Richard Yates.

SatTatt can just see it. "Celebrities: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! They sometimes drift apart over time and stay together for the kids, but it gets to be too much and they finally get divorced after several years of emotionally damaging each other then end up alone, staring at the wall and thinking of the lost promises of their youth!"

But wait. "Just Like Us!" despite the lack of a prenup, which could entitle Ritchie to half of Madonna's $590 million? Whether to stay dignified or lose the chance at hundreds of millions of dollars is hardly a choice that is often foisted on Us.

Plus, the rumors that kicked off the whole shebang were when Madonna allegedly hired Fiona "Steel Magnolia" Shackleton. Shackleton, who represented Paul McCartney in his divorce this year and who notably got a cup of ice water dumped on her head in the courtroom by an enraged Heather Mills, is regarded as the best in the business for keeping your ex's money-grubbing paws off your fortune; Shackleton got the last laugh by holding Mills to about $50 million of McCartney's estimated $1.6 billion net worth.

Well, either Madonna and Ritchie are both decent human beings or they have the best PR person in the world. SatTatt hopes that the whole business remains as classy as it has been to date, and that nobody with a cancer-stricken parent is told to "go cry to your bald mother, you f---ing loser." (That gem courtesy Richards/Sheen.)

But consider the source. The couple hasn't confirmed any of the rumors, and there has been a recent spate of anonymously-sourced tabloid exclusives that have proved embarrassingly untrue.

SatTatt's here to tell you straight: Angelina Jolie, tired of the constant harassment from paparazzi and gossip columnists, is on a vigilante campaign to punish and discredit the tabloids by calling in tasty fake tips which can then be proved blatantly false, beginning with the well-publicized non-birth of her twins last month.

At least, that's what SatTatt's extremely credible anonymous source told her. Just now. *

how to wreck your celebrity journalism career

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Fake source or just bad reporting?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

THE PREMATURE JOLIE-PITT twins story just got so much weirder.

Brief recap: Last week, "Entertainment Tonight" reported on its Web site that it had information from an anonymous source "inside the delivery room" who had confirmed that Angelina Jolie had given birth to two healthy girls. The information was broadcast on the "Entertainment Tonight" TV show later that night despite contradictory information coming in from several other celebrity news organizations. As Jolie still appears to be pregnant, ET is left looking pretty silly.

Now the process of what exactly happened is out, and take note, SatTatt readers: Here is a step-by-step primer in how to wreck your career in celebrity journalism.

1. Obtain what you believe is a BlackBerry e-mail address for Jolie's assistant Holly Goline from a friend at CNN.

2. Send a message to that address asking for confirmation of the rumors that Jolie has given birth.

3. Become ecstatic when an affirmative response comes back.

4. After posting the scoop online, disregard the real Goline's repeated insistence that she has never owned a BlackBerry. Stand by your story.

"Entertainment Tonight takes this very seriously and is, of course, concerned that the show may have been victimized by someone allegedly posing as a member of Ms. Jolie's team," a statement from the show said. "We are actively investigating the matter and are reaching out to law enforcement agencies."

The Rock no longer!

The originator of such distinctive wrestling moves such as the People's Elbow, the People's Eyebrow and the Rock Bottom has declared that he is now the Actor Formerly Known as The Rock. Or, uh, just make that Dwayne Johnson.

The star of "The Game Plan" and "Southland Tales" is quietly ditching his famous nickname in the credits of the upcoming "Get Smart!" adaptation. (Extended side note: in "Get Smart!" Johnson makes out with star Steve Carrell. Of the experience, Carrell said: "[Johnson] smells like strawberry shortcake. For me, that's why they call him The Rock. He rocks people's worlds.").

From recent comments, the name shift looks to be a permanent one as Johnson tries to ride his recent successes in family-friendly roles to a PG-rated acting career. And with his previous incarnation known for making references to poon-tang pie and body-slamming people while wearing a small pair of briefs, Johnson decided that it was time for "The Rock" to retire.

"I'm aware of everything that comes with that nickname, and I just think there's a lot more you can do without it," Johnson said to Entertainment Weekly. "But I wanted it to happen naturally, from 'The Rock' to Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson to 'Dwayne Johnson.' "

SatTatt applauds the evolution of a career she has appreciated since her older male cousins forced her to watch the then-WWF show "RAW" in the early '90s. What The Rock was cooking back then was an hour in which SatTatt was not forced to assume the role of Monkey in the Middle.

Nevertheless, with Bob Dole and now The Rock essentially gone, SatTatt feels a little lonely referring to herself in third person all the time.

At least she'll always have Elmo.

Inanity now!

In a further attempt to rebrand herself as a country singer, Jessica Simpson showed up at the CMA Music Festival Block Party in Nashville on Wednesday. This was notable mostly for the fact that she showed up without semi-boyfriend Tony Romo, as Simpson did not perform her new single "Come on Over" . . . Evander Holyfield is trying to quash rumors that he is the latest in a string of celebrities unable to pay their mortgages after a foreclosure notice on his $10 million Atlanta mansion appeared in a local paper Wednesday. "I'm not broke, I'm just not liquid," said Holyfield, whose 109-room house lies on Evander Holyfield Highway. *