Choose your own adventure!
By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
guendee@phillynews.com
B
OY GEORGE was sentenced to 15 months in prison yesterday in London for . . .
OK, wait. This story is so ridiculous, and involves so many bad, bad decisions, that SatTatt just can't do it justice in a regular column. It is a worthy subject for the very first . . . SatTatt Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Column!
You are a 47-year-old former pop star with a couple of big hits, but you are known mostly for the flamboyant hairstyles and makeup you wore in the '80s. It's April 2007, and you connect with a Norwegian male escort via gaydar.com and have him over for an erotic photo shoot, a couple of friendly lines of coke and an unnamed-in-family-papers sex act or two. You later suspect that the escort hacked your computer and stole personal pictures while at your place. What do you do?
If you decide that the escort is untrustworthy and don't invite him back, go to 6.
If you decide to invite the escort back to your apartment, go to 4.
1. Oh, no! You are arrested! You are taken in front of the judge. How do you plead?
Innocent! The escort was totally into that stuff, and besides, you were soooooooo high. Go to 3.
Innocent! As if you'd be dumb enough to endanger your career like that. Go to 3.
Innocent! But you refuse to testify at your trial to save your dying mother's virgin ears. Go to 3.
Innocent! That guy was ripped, you're clearly way too fat and old to have beaten him up. Go to 3.
Innocent! Seriously, that escort STOLE your PICTURES and you had to detain him. Go to 3.
Guilty! You're sorry, that wasn't cool. Go to 5.
2. Uh oh, looks like you should have handcuffed him to something a little more solid! When you walk back in with a carton of BDSM implements, Carlsen breaks loose and runs into the street wearing only his underwear, sneakers and your handcuffs. What do you do?
If you chase the escort down, hitting him with a metal chain, go to 1.
If you do absolutely anything else, go to 5.
3. You are found guilty! The judge sentences you to 15 months in prison, saying, "Whilst I accept that Mr. Carlsen's physical injuries were not serious or permanent, in my view there can be no doubt that your premeditated, callous and humiliating handcuffing and detention of Mr. Carlsen shocked, degraded and traumatized him." The end!
4. Ah, here's the strapping young Nordic escort, 28-year-old Audun Carlsen, knocking at your front door! What do you do?
To confront him about your suspicions, go to 6.
To do some more coke, take some more nude photos and then, with the help of a second guy, ambush the escort and handcuff him to a hook on your wall, go to 2.
5. You maybe avoid jail time, although this is looking less and less likely. The end!
6.You maybe avoid jail time. The end!
A final note on the Boy George trial: the lawyer for the illegally detained escort said in court, no joke, "Did he really have to hurt him?" The Guardian calls this an "apparently accidental allusion to Culture Club's 1982 No. 1 hit," but. . . come on.
At Last, a First Song
The title of the song Beyonce will sing at the celebrity-filled Neighborhood Inaugural Ball, in which the Obamas will have their first dance as president and first lady, was released yesterday: Despite SatTatt's pleas for "Love in This Club, Pt. 2," the Obamas opted for the Etta James standard "At Last."
Beyonce's no stranger to the song; she recorded it this year for the soundtrack of "Cadillac Records," in which she and a grandmotherly blond wig portrayed the blues legend. *
