Angelina Jolie, media genius?

original

Angelina Jolie, media genius?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

WHAT DOES the New York Times business section have in common with US Weekly? Well, now they've both used anonymous sources in articles about Angelina Jolie.

But while US's latest tipster provides lurid details from the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," the Times quotes two anonymous insiders involved with the $14 million deal that Jolie and partner Brad Pitt cut with People for the first pictures of their twin daughters in August.

The sources claim that part of the deal put on the auction block was not just money, but that the winning bidder would provide only positive coverage of the Jolie-Pitt family in the future.

The Times investigative piece, titled "Angelina Jolie's Carefully Orchestrated Image," yesterday edged out articles on sexy topics like the seized-up credit market and falling grain prices to become the most e-mailed article in the business section.

People, of course, denied that they basically sold editorial content. But as other tabloids delve into the specifics of when exactly Jolie and Pitt first got together (following high-profile comments from Jennifer Aniston in Vogue this month saying that what Jolie did was "uncool") and whether Pitt was still married at the time, a search of People's stories on Jolie over the past month turn up . . . something on her new hairdo. The kids being cute. Getting back from doing humintarian work in Afghanistan. Nothing involving Aniston.

Now, perhaps People has come to the conclusion that damn, "Friends" has been off the air for four years now and Jennifer Aniston has done almost nothing with her time since then except make unsuccessful romantic comedies and garner pity from tabloids. Aniston's cultural relevance is rooted in the '90s and People would therefore be best served by keeping up a good relationship with the Jolie-Pitts. Or maybe they're just on team Jolie-Pitt because Aniston blew off an interview in the '90s, who knows?

* But taking a breather before SatTatt gets too media-wonked out, Hello! Magazine quotes Jolie as saying that first few years of her son Pax's life in a Vietnamese orphanage were so rough that even after two years of living with fabulously wealthy parents, the 5-year-old still hides food for later. He does it "even though we explain there will be more tomorrow," Jolie said.

So . . . there's that. SatTatt hasn't rescued any hungry children from a probable life of poverty lately, much less three. Therefore, she is willing to overlook the fact that Jolie, who made out with her brother in public, wore around a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood and got serious with the husband of a rather beloved sitcom actress and emerged from it all with a great public image, clearly has all us media folk wrapped around her little finger.

Inanity now!

* Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz are now proud parents of a baby boy named Bronx Mowgli. All well-wishers are asked to greet the newborn blessed with this unusual city-nature fusion name with Axl Rose-like screeches of "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?! YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!"

* Michael Phelps is taking his 14 gold medals and going to rep for Subway, as SatTatt guesses Jared has lost a bit of his luster. The press release quotes Phelps (and yes, the R's are all for (R)eal): "SUBWAY(R) restaurants have always given me the options that I am looking for - whether that's healthy sandwiches before a big meet or the tasty meatball sub that I treat myself with," stated Michael Phelps. "I was ready to take my SUBWAY(R) fan-dom to the next level - I really think of SUBWAY(R) as a champion food option."

SatTatt guesses it's a long, cold four years until the next Olympics.

* Jodie Sweetin, who played middle daughter Stephanie Tanner on the ABC sitcom "Full House," yesterday filed for separation from her husband of about 16 months, Cory Herpin.

Up until the filing, Sweetin had nothing but good things to say about her now-ex, saying that he had been instrumental in her kicking a crystal-meth habit that began when "Full House" ended.

* Finally, a judge yesterday granted a preliminary divorce to Madonna and Guy Ritchie. They will share custody of their two sons, while Madonna's daughter Lourdes will stay with her mother. The couple chose to take care of splitting up their assets themselves (so no big Heather Mills payout announcement), but the British press has been reporting that neither party is going after the other's purse. The divorce will become final in six weeks. Stay classy.*

Oh god let Kendra move to Philly

original

Here's hoping Philly gets a new Girl Next Door

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

IN SOMEWHAT Philly-related news, Holly Madison told fellow Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson that she had better be a bridesmaid at Wilkinson's upcoming wedding to Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett, who proposed last Saturday atop Seattle's Space Needle, a day before the Birds played the Seahawks.

The engagement was announced Thursday by Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend, Hugh Hefner. This item is only tangentially Philly-related, sadly: The wedding will be held next June at the Playboy Mansion on the bride's coast, where Hef will be giving her away.

No word on whether "The Girls Next Door" will be filming the ceremony or whether the other Girls Next Door will be bridesmaids, although SatTatt figures that given reality-show contracts, both are likely.

Also, no word on if the couple plan on making Philadelphia their joint home base (SatTatt has her fingers so crossed). They've been spotted in Philly several times in the past few months. Wilkinson notably showed up at an Eagles game in September wearing a midriff-baring 84 jersey, Baskett's number.

But don't go staking out the Olive Garden on Broad and Chestnut just yet: The couple has the long-distance thing all figured out.

"He lives across the country, so we Skype," Wilkinson told talk-show host Chelsea Handler, referring to the online video-streaming service. "When you're cross-country, you have to do the Skype-sex thing. It's way better than phone sex. Way better!"

SatTatt hopes the two young lovers decide to shack up here. It's the City of Brotherly Love! When you're here, you're family!

She don't care what they say!

Singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge implied in an angry blog post that her response to the passage of California's Proposition 8, which denied gays the right to legally marry, would be to stop paying her taxes.

"So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? . . . she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen."

Etheridge also mentioned that the state would be sad to lose the "bazillion" tax dollars of fellow outlesbian Ellen DeGeneres, whose marriage to actress Portia de Rossi also was invalidated by Proposition 8, although DeGeneres has made no similar promise.

Although Etheridge's comments can be taken as satirical, she'd be joining a long list of celebrities who have evaded taxes for ethical reasons. Admittedly, many of them (notably the recently jailed tax-denier and "Blade" star Wesley Snipes) have more vague ethical issues with taxes, i.e. their firm, deep-seated belief that, uh, they shouldn't have to pay them. *

Fey + Palin

Original

Fey & Palin: Face-to-face on 'SNL'?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

DAVID LETTERMAN followed up the excitement of John McCain's somewhat-tense guest spot Thursday (McCain stood the show up in late September, to Letterman's ire) with an appearance by McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin! No, wait . . .

Oops, SatTatt forgot that the campaign seems to have banned Palin from doing anything, especially talk shows, that might be fodder for "Saturday Night Live" writers. But, you ask, isn't Palin goin' on SNL this very evening?

Actually, SatTatt posits that SNL's probably the only place Palin's safe from SNL. It would be way too postmodern for SNL to parody a politician's guest spot on their own show. Postmodernism is rarely sketch-comedy gold.

The McCain campaign hasn't been forthcoming about what sketches Alaska's governor might appear in tonight, but Palin mentioned yesterday in an interview with syndicated radio host Neal Boortz that she likes the idea of playing Tina Fey.

"I just want to be there to show Americans that we will rise above the political shots that we take," said Palin.

Wait, what was SatTatt talking about? Oh, right! Letterman of course didn't actually manage to book Palin, but he got the closest thing this side of Wasilla: "30 Rock" star and Palin ringer Tina Fey, who spent a bit discussing her uncanny impersonations of the vice-presidential candidate on SNL over the last few weeks.

Fey was modest about her impression skills, which seem to have gotten as much media attention in the last few weeks as everything Joe Biden has done in the last few months put together. She said that nobody's had an easier job, accent-wise, since Billy Bob Thornton did "Sling Blade."

Fey broke Palin's accent down as "a little bit Fargo, a little bit Reese Witherspoon in 'Election' " with dashes of her friend Paula's grandmother and a love of the letter R thrown in.

Fey did seem a bit uncomfortable right after slipping into Palin's voice on request, as if realizing that she was going to be called on to chirp "I'll have to get back to ya!" for the next 10 years.

Barker leaves hospital

Four weeks to the day after surviving a plane crash, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker was released from a L.A. burn center yesterday. He wrote in his blog yesterday morning that he was healing fast and would be out "b4 you know it," along with a picture of his hand, covered in tattoos and nasty-looking burns, flipping off the camera (to demonstrate what he thought of life in the hospital, although he later amended that the Sherman Oaks Burn Center was in fact very nice, he just didn't like being in any hospital).

DJ AM, the only other survivor of the crash that killed the other four people aboard the plane, also appears to be getting back to normal, appearing onstage with Jay-Z this week.*

Double trouble

Original

Double trouble

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
Philadelphia Daily News

HUGH HEFNER didn't shock the world at all earlier this month when he announced that two of his three girlfriends were moving on to do other things and he would likely be replacing them with a pair of twin sisters, Karissa and Kristina Shannon.

That's just how Hef rolls! He founded Playboy! He wears a smoking jacket! He has a grotto! He dates twins sometimes!

Unfortunately for Hef, now that his life and loves are documented in the reality show "The Girls Next Door," his pick of girlfriends has become a more public affair, to the point that he maybe should start vetting.

It came out earlier this week that Hef's new lady friends were arrested this past January in St. Petersburg, Fla., for allegedly assaulting a woman with whom the twins worked at a Hooters-ish establishment.

Two months prior, though, Karissa was arrested for allegedly assaulting her own sister, who was wearing only blue jeans at the time. From the police report, which is undoubtedly hanging framed on the wall of some Florida police-break room:

A neighbor ". . . was woken up by the commotion going on outside . . . he saw the victim on the ground, and her twin sister standing over her kicking her in the face. Although [the witness] could not identify which sister was which, he was able to identify the two fighting as the twin sisters that live on the second floor of the apartment."

That's the problem with hot twin-on-twin crime: Witnesses can't tell them apart.

The arrest report lists the birth dates of the twins, and they are not only younger than SatTatt, but younger than SatTatt's little sister.

So in honor of the high school that Hef's new girlfriends so recently attended, here's a SatTatt brainteaser (answer at end of column):

Hugh Hefner is dating twins. In two years, Hef will be twice as old as the sum of the twins' combined ages. Twelve years ago, Hef was 10 times as old as his girlfriends.

Q: How old is Hugh Hefner, how old are his girlfriends, and how much better would the SATs be if they let SatTatt write the questions?

A. 78, 23, so much better

B. 72, 21, a little better

C. 76, 20, sooooooooooo much better

D. 82, 19, so much better that I'd be solving SatTatt word problems in my spare time

High School Musical it isn't

Teen idol Zac Efron is reportedly trying to break out of the wholesome image established for him by Disney and "High School Musical" by following in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliffe. Radcliffe managed to banish the spectre of Harry Potter with his starring role in the Peter Shaffer play Equus, getting rave reviews for his performances in London and New York. The lead is a mentally ill young man who is nude onstage for a solid half-hour.

The rumor can be traced back to British tabloid the Sun, which quoted Efron as saying, "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway . . . well, it's been mentioned," at the London premiere of "High School Musical 3" yesterday.

It's likely that Efron was joking; Disney tightly controls the images of its teen stars (remember the scandal over those Vanity Fair photos of Miley Cyrus?) and doing Equus probably would mess with his contract. But boy, it would guarantee another sold-out six months of the Broadway production for sure. *

zombies, burn victims and deportation

Original

Zombies, burn victims and deportation, oh, my!

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

THE ECONOMY! Washington Mutual going belly-up! Potential second-in-lines-to-the-presidency appearing scarily uninformed about policy and historical facts in interviews! Potential second-in-line-to-the-presidency Sarah Palin appearing . . . at the Irish Pub last night?

Yes, it may appear that it's the end of the world as we know it. But if you're like SatTatt, you've developed a certain tolerance over the last few months for the apocalypse, so let's return to normalcy with some good, old-fashioned gossip!

Reality TV rots your BRAAINS

No, wait, SatTatt takes it back: Today's most potentially awesome news involves the zombie apocalypse.

"Dead Set," produced by the same company and being filmed on the same set as "Big Brother," will appear to be a standard reality show until the zombies attack.

The show is scripted and fully fictional: SatTatt has never supported reality shows in which contestants are actually eaten by zombies. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Rhymes: no longer busted

Rapper Busta Rhymes won a court order in Britain yesterday allowing him to perform a charity concert yesterday night at London's Royal Albert Hall.

Rhymes was stopped by immigration in a London airport Thursday. The attempt to have him kicked out of the UK was based on incorrect information that he had a conviction for felony gang assault. Rhymes has only misdemeanors on his record, for drunk driving and assualting a former driver and a fan.

DJ AM released from hospital

DJ AM, who with former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker survived a plane crash this month that killed the four other passengers, was released from a Georgia hospital yesterday and is back in Los Angeles.

Barker remains hospitalized, but friend Jermaine Dupri told reporters that Barker should be released in the next couple of weeks.

The DJ traveled to California by bus.

Inanity now!

* The long-awaited Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy will be distrubuted exclusively by, uh, Best Buy. OK, whatever, Axl Rose. Brian Wilson would never do this.

* Pop group Junior Senior disbanded yesterday to pursue solo projects; fans' pleas that the Denmark duo don't stop (don't stop), don't stop the beat went unheeded.

* "Transformers" star Shia LaBeouf beat the DUI rap, but may still lose his license for refusing to take a breathalyzer test.*

Free Katie

Original

Anonymous protesters try to "Free Katie!" on Broadway

By Emily Guendelsberger

Philadelphia Daily News

THE FACES of the Anonymous protesters may be familiar to Philadelphians: Hundreds of them at a time have turned up in Center City over the past year to hold demonstrations against Scientology. Their uniform usually involves a mask, often a smiling Guy Fawkes mask a la "V for Vendetta."

It's unlikely that the masked faces that turned up at the Broadway debut of Katie Holmes Thursday night are the same as our own hometown weirdos-with-a-cause (the Anonymous group has held protests in dozens of cities). But it was still pretty deja vu for SatTatt, who happened to wander through Anonymous' Philly demonstration in February.

The masked protesters chanted "Scientology kills!" and waved "Free Katie!" signs outside a preview performance of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons," in which Katie Holmes plays the role of Miss Ballyhoo.

Holmes' husband and noted Scientologist, Tom Cruise, was in the audience and reportedly hugged Dustin Hoffman, but did not engage the protesters.

John Lithgow stars in the revival, which opens Oct. 16.

Hasselbeck to move to Fox?

It must be the John Edwards scoop, because it seems that lately the media is taking the National Enquirer . . . well, let's say with only a grain of salt, rather than a snow shovel.

That being said, the Enquirer reports that Barbara Walters, doyenne of "The View," and often-bullied young conservative View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck are so at odds lately that Hasselbeck is . . . wait for it . . . considering taking an anchor job at Fox News.

Although SatTatt does not agree with Hasselbeck's views and generally finds her fairly shrill and uninformed, she still feels that it would be a great justice if Hasselbeck got to go from being pushed around by four outspoken left-wing ladies to pushing around liberal scapegoats of her own at Fox. Maybe they'll even give her her very own Alan Colmes! *

an Olympic word problem

original

Olympians like to get it on

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

WITH THE OLYMPIC closing ceremonies only a couple days away and most athletes done with their events and allowed to stray from strict training regimens, here's a special episode of SatTatt from the Olympic Village (well, in spirit).

Beginning with the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, the host country has traditionally (and thoughtfully) supplied the thousands of hard-bodied young athletes with thousands of condoms. In Sydney, the number was 70,000 condoms, and they ran out. Again: The athletes in Sydney used 70,000 condoms in two weeks - and had to fly in 20,000 more.

Beijing played it safer, so to speak, starting with an initial supply of 100,000. But what does that even mean? It's time for another SatTatt pop quiz!

Pop Quiz: China supplied the Olympic Village with 100,000 condoms. There are 16,500 athletes living in the Olympic Village. The Beijing Olympics are 17 days long. Assume for simplicity's sake that there are two Olympians involved in each condom use and that an average of 1.5 condoms are used per sexual encounter.

Q: If you are an athlete competing in the 2008 Olympics, approximately how frequently did the Chinese government think that you would get laid?

A. Twice a day

B. Once a day

C. Once every two days

D. Once every three days

E. Like, a million times a day

Looking at it logically, you can eliminate option E from the get-go. Not even Genghis Khan got laid a million times a day, and he fathered half of Europe if you believe Oxford geneticists.

So 100,000 divided by 16,500 athletes makes about six condoms per athlete. But it's not that easy! Two people share one condom, so put that up to 12 estimated sexual acts per athlete. If 1.5 condoms are used on average during a hook-up, that would take the number down to eight separate occurrences over the course of 17 days, which would mean that the Chinese government predicted that Olympic athletes would get laid . . .

C. Once every two days

See, math is fun! And even Olympic athletes don't get lucky every night.

SAT headhunters, SATTatt is always available to write questions just as awesome as this one.

Gold medalists get extra

Michael Phelps, one of our few of-age Olympians identifiable by the average American, is the subject of one of the only tidbits to leak from the Olympic Village: He was reportedly seen publicly making out with another gold-medal swimmer sponsored by Speedo, Stephanie Rice of Australia.

In semi-related news, Phelps just reportedly got a million-dollar advance from Simon & Schuster for "Built to Succeed," due out in December, in which he will write about his training for the 2008 games, although the title sort of makes it sound as if he'll write about how he's a Terminator-style robot.

Meanwhile, back in Baltimore

Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, who was terrifying as a gang assassin on "The Wire," was charged with drug possession Wednesday after police sent to arrest her for refusing to cooperate in a murder trial, found small amounts of marijuana in her bedroom.*