Fey + Palin

Original

Fey & Palin: Face-to-face on 'SNL'?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

DAVID LETTERMAN followed up the excitement of John McCain's somewhat-tense guest spot Thursday (McCain stood the show up in late September, to Letterman's ire) with an appearance by McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin! No, wait . . .

Oops, SatTatt forgot that the campaign seems to have banned Palin from doing anything, especially talk shows, that might be fodder for "Saturday Night Live" writers. But, you ask, isn't Palin goin' on SNL this very evening?

Actually, SatTatt posits that SNL's probably the only place Palin's safe from SNL. It would be way too postmodern for SNL to parody a politician's guest spot on their own show. Postmodernism is rarely sketch-comedy gold.

The McCain campaign hasn't been forthcoming about what sketches Alaska's governor might appear in tonight, but Palin mentioned yesterday in an interview with syndicated radio host Neal Boortz that she likes the idea of playing Tina Fey.

"I just want to be there to show Americans that we will rise above the political shots that we take," said Palin.

Wait, what was SatTatt talking about? Oh, right! Letterman of course didn't actually manage to book Palin, but he got the closest thing this side of Wasilla: "30 Rock" star and Palin ringer Tina Fey, who spent a bit discussing her uncanny impersonations of the vice-presidential candidate on SNL over the last few weeks.

Fey was modest about her impression skills, which seem to have gotten as much media attention in the last few weeks as everything Joe Biden has done in the last few months put together. She said that nobody's had an easier job, accent-wise, since Billy Bob Thornton did "Sling Blade."

Fey broke Palin's accent down as "a little bit Fargo, a little bit Reese Witherspoon in 'Election' " with dashes of her friend Paula's grandmother and a love of the letter R thrown in.

Fey did seem a bit uncomfortable right after slipping into Palin's voice on request, as if realizing that she was going to be called on to chirp "I'll have to get back to ya!" for the next 10 years.

Barker leaves hospital

Four weeks to the day after surviving a plane crash, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker was released from a L.A. burn center yesterday. He wrote in his blog yesterday morning that he was healing fast and would be out "b4 you know it," along with a picture of his hand, covered in tattoos and nasty-looking burns, flipping off the camera (to demonstrate what he thought of life in the hospital, although he later amended that the Sherman Oaks Burn Center was in fact very nice, he just didn't like being in any hospital).

DJ AM, the only other survivor of the crash that killed the other four people aboard the plane, also appears to be getting back to normal, appearing onstage with Jay-Z this week.*

Double trouble

Original

Double trouble

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
Philadelphia Daily News

HUGH HEFNER didn't shock the world at all earlier this month when he announced that two of his three girlfriends were moving on to do other things and he would likely be replacing them with a pair of twin sisters, Karissa and Kristina Shannon.

That's just how Hef rolls! He founded Playboy! He wears a smoking jacket! He has a grotto! He dates twins sometimes!

Unfortunately for Hef, now that his life and loves are documented in the reality show "The Girls Next Door," his pick of girlfriends has become a more public affair, to the point that he maybe should start vetting.

It came out earlier this week that Hef's new lady friends were arrested this past January in St. Petersburg, Fla., for allegedly assaulting a woman with whom the twins worked at a Hooters-ish establishment.

Two months prior, though, Karissa was arrested for allegedly assaulting her own sister, who was wearing only blue jeans at the time. From the police report, which is undoubtedly hanging framed on the wall of some Florida police-break room:

A neighbor ". . . was woken up by the commotion going on outside . . . he saw the victim on the ground, and her twin sister standing over her kicking her in the face. Although [the witness] could not identify which sister was which, he was able to identify the two fighting as the twin sisters that live on the second floor of the apartment."

That's the problem with hot twin-on-twin crime: Witnesses can't tell them apart.

The arrest report lists the birth dates of the twins, and they are not only younger than SatTatt, but younger than SatTatt's little sister.

So in honor of the high school that Hef's new girlfriends so recently attended, here's a SatTatt brainteaser (answer at end of column):

Hugh Hefner is dating twins. In two years, Hef will be twice as old as the sum of the twins' combined ages. Twelve years ago, Hef was 10 times as old as his girlfriends.

Q: How old is Hugh Hefner, how old are his girlfriends, and how much better would the SATs be if they let SatTatt write the questions?

A. 78, 23, so much better

B. 72, 21, a little better

C. 76, 20, sooooooooooo much better

D. 82, 19, so much better that I'd be solving SatTatt word problems in my spare time

High School Musical it isn't

Teen idol Zac Efron is reportedly trying to break out of the wholesome image established for him by Disney and "High School Musical" by following in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliffe. Radcliffe managed to banish the spectre of Harry Potter with his starring role in the Peter Shaffer play Equus, getting rave reviews for his performances in London and New York. The lead is a mentally ill young man who is nude onstage for a solid half-hour.

The rumor can be traced back to British tabloid the Sun, which quoted Efron as saying, "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway . . . well, it's been mentioned," at the London premiere of "High School Musical 3" yesterday.

It's likely that Efron was joking; Disney tightly controls the images of its teen stars (remember the scandal over those Vanity Fair photos of Miley Cyrus?) and doing Equus probably would mess with his contract. But boy, it would guarantee another sold-out six months of the Broadway production for sure. *

zombies, burn victims and deportation

Original

Zombies, burn victims and deportation, oh, my!

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

THE ECONOMY! Washington Mutual going belly-up! Potential second-in-lines-to-the-presidency appearing scarily uninformed about policy and historical facts in interviews! Potential second-in-line-to-the-presidency Sarah Palin appearing . . . at the Irish Pub last night?

Yes, it may appear that it's the end of the world as we know it. But if you're like SatTatt, you've developed a certain tolerance over the last few months for the apocalypse, so let's return to normalcy with some good, old-fashioned gossip!

Reality TV rots your BRAAINS

No, wait, SatTatt takes it back: Today's most potentially awesome news involves the zombie apocalypse.

"Dead Set," produced by the same company and being filmed on the same set as "Big Brother," will appear to be a standard reality show until the zombies attack.

The show is scripted and fully fictional: SatTatt has never supported reality shows in which contestants are actually eaten by zombies. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Rhymes: no longer busted

Rapper Busta Rhymes won a court order in Britain yesterday allowing him to perform a charity concert yesterday night at London's Royal Albert Hall.

Rhymes was stopped by immigration in a London airport Thursday. The attempt to have him kicked out of the UK was based on incorrect information that he had a conviction for felony gang assault. Rhymes has only misdemeanors on his record, for drunk driving and assualting a former driver and a fan.

DJ AM released from hospital

DJ AM, who with former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker survived a plane crash this month that killed the four other passengers, was released from a Georgia hospital yesterday and is back in Los Angeles.

Barker remains hospitalized, but friend Jermaine Dupri told reporters that Barker should be released in the next couple of weeks.

The DJ traveled to California by bus.

Inanity now!

* The long-awaited Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy will be distrubuted exclusively by, uh, Best Buy. OK, whatever, Axl Rose. Brian Wilson would never do this.

* Pop group Junior Senior disbanded yesterday to pursue solo projects; fans' pleas that the Denmark duo don't stop (don't stop), don't stop the beat went unheeded.

* "Transformers" star Shia LaBeouf beat the DUI rap, but may still lose his license for refusing to take a breathalyzer test.*

Free Katie

Original

Anonymous protesters try to "Free Katie!" on Broadway

By Emily Guendelsberger

Philadelphia Daily News

THE FACES of the Anonymous protesters may be familiar to Philadelphians: Hundreds of them at a time have turned up in Center City over the past year to hold demonstrations against Scientology. Their uniform usually involves a mask, often a smiling Guy Fawkes mask a la "V for Vendetta."

It's unlikely that the masked faces that turned up at the Broadway debut of Katie Holmes Thursday night are the same as our own hometown weirdos-with-a-cause (the Anonymous group has held protests in dozens of cities). But it was still pretty deja vu for SatTatt, who happened to wander through Anonymous' Philly demonstration in February.

The masked protesters chanted "Scientology kills!" and waved "Free Katie!" signs outside a preview performance of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons," in which Katie Holmes plays the role of Miss Ballyhoo.

Holmes' husband and noted Scientologist, Tom Cruise, was in the audience and reportedly hugged Dustin Hoffman, but did not engage the protesters.

John Lithgow stars in the revival, which opens Oct. 16.

Hasselbeck to move to Fox?

It must be the John Edwards scoop, because it seems that lately the media is taking the National Enquirer . . . well, let's say with only a grain of salt, rather than a snow shovel.

That being said, the Enquirer reports that Barbara Walters, doyenne of "The View," and often-bullied young conservative View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck are so at odds lately that Hasselbeck is . . . wait for it . . . considering taking an anchor job at Fox News.

Although SatTatt does not agree with Hasselbeck's views and generally finds her fairly shrill and uninformed, she still feels that it would be a great justice if Hasselbeck got to go from being pushed around by four outspoken left-wing ladies to pushing around liberal scapegoats of her own at Fox. Maybe they'll even give her her very own Alan Colmes! *

an Olympic word problem

original

Olympians like to get it on

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

WITH THE OLYMPIC closing ceremonies only a couple days away and most athletes done with their events and allowed to stray from strict training regimens, here's a special episode of SatTatt from the Olympic Village (well, in spirit).

Beginning with the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, the host country has traditionally (and thoughtfully) supplied the thousands of hard-bodied young athletes with thousands of condoms. In Sydney, the number was 70,000 condoms, and they ran out. Again: The athletes in Sydney used 70,000 condoms in two weeks - and had to fly in 20,000 more.

Beijing played it safer, so to speak, starting with an initial supply of 100,000. But what does that even mean? It's time for another SatTatt pop quiz!

Pop Quiz: China supplied the Olympic Village with 100,000 condoms. There are 16,500 athletes living in the Olympic Village. The Beijing Olympics are 17 days long. Assume for simplicity's sake that there are two Olympians involved in each condom use and that an average of 1.5 condoms are used per sexual encounter.

Q: If you are an athlete competing in the 2008 Olympics, approximately how frequently did the Chinese government think that you would get laid?

A. Twice a day

B. Once a day

C. Once every two days

D. Once every three days

E. Like, a million times a day

Looking at it logically, you can eliminate option E from the get-go. Not even Genghis Khan got laid a million times a day, and he fathered half of Europe if you believe Oxford geneticists.

So 100,000 divided by 16,500 athletes makes about six condoms per athlete. But it's not that easy! Two people share one condom, so put that up to 12 estimated sexual acts per athlete. If 1.5 condoms are used on average during a hook-up, that would take the number down to eight separate occurrences over the course of 17 days, which would mean that the Chinese government predicted that Olympic athletes would get laid . . .

C. Once every two days

See, math is fun! And even Olympic athletes don't get lucky every night.

SAT headhunters, SATTatt is always available to write questions just as awesome as this one.

Gold medalists get extra

Michael Phelps, one of our few of-age Olympians identifiable by the average American, is the subject of one of the only tidbits to leak from the Olympic Village: He was reportedly seen publicly making out with another gold-medal swimmer sponsored by Speedo, Stephanie Rice of Australia.

In semi-related news, Phelps just reportedly got a million-dollar advance from Simon & Schuster for "Built to Succeed," due out in December, in which he will write about his training for the 2008 games, although the title sort of makes it sound as if he'll write about how he's a Terminator-style robot.

Meanwhile, back in Baltimore

Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, who was terrifying as a gang assassin on "The Wire," was charged with drug possession Wednesday after police sent to arrest her for refusing to cooperate in a murder trial, found small amounts of marijuana in her bedroom.*

Original

$125,000 per eye

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

POP QUIZ: Which best signifies the rock-bottom hit by DMX in the past few years? Choose as many as you feel are accurate.

A. Checking into the Mayo Clinic.

B. Trying to skip out on your Mayo Clinic bill by giving another person's name even though you're a famous, easily identifiable rapper.

C. Turning yourself in to police for missing a court date, having forgotten that there's a joint in the pack of cigarettes in your pocket.

D. Having police find guns, crack pipes and 12 starving pit bulls in your house, plus three dead pit bulls in your backyard.

E. Getting arrested outside a Miami Wal-Mart for flaking out on another court date.

F. Seeing your house foreclosed upon.

G. Going on Celebrity Rehab.

H. Acting in the movie "Cradle 2 the Grave."

OK, G isn't true, but it may not be far off! All these tabloids saying starlets are crying out for help because they haphazardly shave their own head or flash their Brazilian to photographers? Yeah, whatever.

Items E and F are the most recent. The Wal-Mart arrest happened Thursday, and his pro-bono lawyer announced yesterday that DMX is broke, his house has been foreclosed on and he was about to enter rehab when he was arrested. DMX is on a completely different plane than Lindsay Lohan or Amy Winehouse.

Doing the crazy eyes is hard!

Matthew Fox got himself a raise. He will now be making $250,000 per episode of "Lost," up from the $125,000 he was getting. Maybe Drug Addict Jack is way more taxing to play than Handsome Hero Jack? SatTatt has the inside scoop that Fox's new contract stipulates that he gets a new Fabrege egg for every episode in which his character tweaks out or has a hobo beard. The rest of the cast is still in salary negotiations.

In further "Lost" news, the producers put out a casting call for an actor to play Dan, a high-priced attorney who can be friendly, but has a "real menace lurking below the surface."

Three hot guys also really decent

Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law have donated their earnings from the new movie "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" to Heath Ledger's 2-year-old daughter, Matilda.

The three actors stepped in to replace Ledger, the original star of the movie, after his death in January. The concept is that Ledger's character, Tony, travels through a magic mirror to different dimensions, in which he coincidentally looks like other extremely attractive men.

Hopefully the money will help pay that poor kid's therapy bills when she's old enough to notice how Warner Brothers' marketing team spun her dad's death into

a $155 million opening week- end.*

Twin premiere

original

Premiere of twins imminent, lucrative

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

A SPOKESWOMAN for People magazine announced yesterday that the world will soon be able to get its first look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twin newborn girls, born in France on July 12.

The amount that People paid for the pictures has not been confirmed by the magazine or the couple, but French newspaper Nice-Matin reported it as being $11 million, more than twice the amount paid for the first pictures of big sister Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The paper also reported that the money would be donated to charity.

And speaking of charity . . .

Charity group calls Bono a poser

Thepoint.com is a neat Web site set up to allow grass-roots organizations to raise money easily over the Internet. Its campaigns include one to force the return and resolution of the HBO show "Deadwood," one to return Brett Favre to the starting lineup of the Green Bay Packers, and one to keep Brett Favre firmly in retirement.

But the campaign that's been getting the most press lately wants your money for the noble cause of . . . making U2 singer Bono stop raising money for AIDS charities?

The group claims that the star's RED campaign has been "one huge advertisement for GAP, American Express, and for Bono himself," and has spent millions more on advertising than it did on actual charity work.

More pointedly, the site says that Bono's efforts are leading the public in a dangerous direction when it comes to charitable donations. Bono's efforts, the site claims, are counterproductive, encouraging consumers to buy RED iPods and Gap T-shirts as a high-profile and self-congratulatory substitute for just, uh, giving the money straight to charity.

The group says it will donate all the money it raises to the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria if the singer will retire from public life.

As of last night, the group had raised $796.

Inanity now!

* Lindsay Lohan fires back

L.A. Police Chief William Bratton, who, discussing the reasons why paparazzi were less of a nuisance than they had been, inadvertently outed Lohan.

"Since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving, Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," the police chief said.

Lohan, in a video on TMZ.com, angrily said that the police "shouldn't get involved in everyone else's business when it comes to their personal life. It's inappropriate."

* Richard Griffiths and "Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe will reprise their roles in Peter Shaffer's "Equus" when it opens on Broadway in September. London critics applauded Radcliffe's performance, but the play was mostly talked about for Radcliffe's extended nude scene.

* The busted-up hand that Shia LaBeouf got in his recent car accident will be written into the script of "Transformers 2," says director Michael Bay.

* Stephen Colbert, who noted on his show a while back that biologist Jason Bond had named a spider Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi after the singer, demanded, "Where's my spider?" Bond named a species of trapdoor spider Aptostichus stephencolberti (pronounced Steven Cole-berry). *