Billie Jean: He is the one

Original

Billie Jean files lawsuit saying that he is the one

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

TAKING THE prize for the weirdest court papers of the month (if not year), a woman who claims to be the mother of Michael Jackson's 6-year-old son is suing for partial custody and child support.

The child in question's government name is Prince Michael Jackson II, but is referred to in court documents as "Blanket Jackson"; nicknames are a necessity when you name your two sons Prince Michael Jackson I and Prince Michael Jackson II.

Jackson has stated that Blanket is the product of artificial insemination with a surrogate mother.

There are a few things in the court documents that make you think the petitioner may not be all there. The surreality enumerated:

1. The woman's name is given on the documents as Billie Jean Jackson. OK, could be a really weird coincidence, but:

2. The woman is asking for ONE BILLION DOLLARS. The sum is actually capitalized in the court documents. SatTatt realizes that this is just how they do things in court documents, but all she can think of is Dr. Evil.

3. This quote: "NOW THEREFORE, the Petitioner, BILLIE JEAN JACKSON, files this Complaint because she always is arrested at the home of her Husband, MICHAEL J. JACKSON." Uh, wait, what?

Looking into it a bit more, SatTatt noted that police in Santa Barbara, Calif., in March arrested a woman going by the name of Billie Jean Jackson for attempting to scale the fence at Jackson's Neverland Ranch. The woman, who at the time was an apparently spry 60 years old, had been turned away by the guards after she demanded to be let in, as she was Jackson's wife.

After being turned away, Billie Jean then went a few yards down the road and tried to climb the fence in full view of the same guards, who told police that it wasn't the first time they'd had problems with the woman.

It is uncertain whether this is the same Billie Jean Jackson, aka Lavon Powlis or Lavon Muhammad, who filed a $150 million paternity suit against Jackson in 1988 and who was sent to jail for two years in 1989 for violating a restraining order to stay 100 yards away from Jackson's home.

In addition to ONE BILLION DOLLARS, Billie Jean is asking for visits with Blanket on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, as well as a say in his education. SatTatt doesn't like to be a Negative Nancy, but this lawsuit may not be successful.

SatTatt trivia: The video for "Billie Jean" was the first by a black artist to play on MTV, and was the debut of the moonwalk. Jackson has said in interviews that there is no real Billie Jean who inspired the song; the name represents all the groupies who used to hang around his brothers in the Jackson 5.

Inanity now!

Paris Hilton's home in Sherman Oaks, Calif., was burglarized yesterday. Police say a man wearing a hoodie and gloves broke in around 5 a.m. and ransacked the heiress's bedroom. L.A. police will not confirm what, if anything, was stolen.*

Daily News wire services contributed to this report.

Angelina Jolie, media genius?

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Angelina Jolie, media genius?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

WHAT DOES the New York Times business section have in common with US Weekly? Well, now they've both used anonymous sources in articles about Angelina Jolie.

But while US's latest tipster provides lurid details from the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," the Times quotes two anonymous insiders involved with the $14 million deal that Jolie and partner Brad Pitt cut with People for the first pictures of their twin daughters in August.

The sources claim that part of the deal put on the auction block was not just money, but that the winning bidder would provide only positive coverage of the Jolie-Pitt family in the future.

The Times investigative piece, titled "Angelina Jolie's Carefully Orchestrated Image," yesterday edged out articles on sexy topics like the seized-up credit market and falling grain prices to become the most e-mailed article in the business section.

People, of course, denied that they basically sold editorial content. But as other tabloids delve into the specifics of when exactly Jolie and Pitt first got together (following high-profile comments from Jennifer Aniston in Vogue this month saying that what Jolie did was "uncool") and whether Pitt was still married at the time, a search of People's stories on Jolie over the past month turn up . . . something on her new hairdo. The kids being cute. Getting back from doing humintarian work in Afghanistan. Nothing involving Aniston.

Now, perhaps People has come to the conclusion that damn, "Friends" has been off the air for four years now and Jennifer Aniston has done almost nothing with her time since then except make unsuccessful romantic comedies and garner pity from tabloids. Aniston's cultural relevance is rooted in the '90s and People would therefore be best served by keeping up a good relationship with the Jolie-Pitts. Or maybe they're just on team Jolie-Pitt because Aniston blew off an interview in the '90s, who knows?

* But taking a breather before SatTatt gets too media-wonked out, Hello! Magazine quotes Jolie as saying that first few years of her son Pax's life in a Vietnamese orphanage were so rough that even after two years of living with fabulously wealthy parents, the 5-year-old still hides food for later. He does it "even though we explain there will be more tomorrow," Jolie said.

So . . . there's that. SatTatt hasn't rescued any hungry children from a probable life of poverty lately, much less three. Therefore, she is willing to overlook the fact that Jolie, who made out with her brother in public, wore around a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood and got serious with the husband of a rather beloved sitcom actress and emerged from it all with a great public image, clearly has all us media folk wrapped around her little finger.

Inanity now!

* Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz are now proud parents of a baby boy named Bronx Mowgli. All well-wishers are asked to greet the newborn blessed with this unusual city-nature fusion name with Axl Rose-like screeches of "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?! YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!"

* Michael Phelps is taking his 14 gold medals and going to rep for Subway, as SatTatt guesses Jared has lost a bit of his luster. The press release quotes Phelps (and yes, the R's are all for (R)eal): "SUBWAY(R) restaurants have always given me the options that I am looking for - whether that's healthy sandwiches before a big meet or the tasty meatball sub that I treat myself with," stated Michael Phelps. "I was ready to take my SUBWAY(R) fan-dom to the next level - I really think of SUBWAY(R) as a champion food option."

SatTatt guesses it's a long, cold four years until the next Olympics.

* Jodie Sweetin, who played middle daughter Stephanie Tanner on the ABC sitcom "Full House," yesterday filed for separation from her husband of about 16 months, Cory Herpin.

Up until the filing, Sweetin had nothing but good things to say about her now-ex, saying that he had been instrumental in her kicking a crystal-meth habit that began when "Full House" ended.

* Finally, a judge yesterday granted a preliminary divorce to Madonna and Guy Ritchie. They will share custody of their two sons, while Madonna's daughter Lourdes will stay with her mother. The couple chose to take care of splitting up their assets themselves (so no big Heather Mills payout announcement), but the British press has been reporting that neither party is going after the other's purse. The divorce will become final in six weeks. Stay classy.*

Oh god let Kendra move to Philly

original

Here's hoping Philly gets a new Girl Next Door

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

IN SOMEWHAT Philly-related news, Holly Madison told fellow Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson that she had better be a bridesmaid at Wilkinson's upcoming wedding to Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett, who proposed last Saturday atop Seattle's Space Needle, a day before the Birds played the Seahawks.

The engagement was announced Thursday by Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend, Hugh Hefner. This item is only tangentially Philly-related, sadly: The wedding will be held next June at the Playboy Mansion on the bride's coast, where Hef will be giving her away.

No word on whether "The Girls Next Door" will be filming the ceremony or whether the other Girls Next Door will be bridesmaids, although SatTatt figures that given reality-show contracts, both are likely.

Also, no word on if the couple plan on making Philadelphia their joint home base (SatTatt has her fingers so crossed). They've been spotted in Philly several times in the past few months. Wilkinson notably showed up at an Eagles game in September wearing a midriff-baring 84 jersey, Baskett's number.

But don't go staking out the Olive Garden on Broad and Chestnut just yet: The couple has the long-distance thing all figured out.

"He lives across the country, so we Skype," Wilkinson told talk-show host Chelsea Handler, referring to the online video-streaming service. "When you're cross-country, you have to do the Skype-sex thing. It's way better than phone sex. Way better!"

SatTatt hopes the two young lovers decide to shack up here. It's the City of Brotherly Love! When you're here, you're family!

She don't care what they say!

Singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge implied in an angry blog post that her response to the passage of California's Proposition 8, which denied gays the right to legally marry, would be to stop paying her taxes.

"So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? . . . she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen."

Etheridge also mentioned that the state would be sad to lose the "bazillion" tax dollars of fellow outlesbian Ellen DeGeneres, whose marriage to actress Portia de Rossi also was invalidated by Proposition 8, although DeGeneres has made no similar promise.

Although Etheridge's comments can be taken as satirical, she'd be joining a long list of celebrities who have evaded taxes for ethical reasons. Admittedly, many of them (notably the recently jailed tax-denier and "Blade" star Wesley Snipes) have more vague ethical issues with taxes, i.e. their firm, deep-seated belief that, uh, they shouldn't have to pay them. *

Fey + Palin

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Fey & Palin: Face-to-face on 'SNL'?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

DAVID LETTERMAN followed up the excitement of John McCain's somewhat-tense guest spot Thursday (McCain stood the show up in late September, to Letterman's ire) with an appearance by McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin! No, wait . . .

Oops, SatTatt forgot that the campaign seems to have banned Palin from doing anything, especially talk shows, that might be fodder for "Saturday Night Live" writers. But, you ask, isn't Palin goin' on SNL this very evening?

Actually, SatTatt posits that SNL's probably the only place Palin's safe from SNL. It would be way too postmodern for SNL to parody a politician's guest spot on their own show. Postmodernism is rarely sketch-comedy gold.

The McCain campaign hasn't been forthcoming about what sketches Alaska's governor might appear in tonight, but Palin mentioned yesterday in an interview with syndicated radio host Neal Boortz that she likes the idea of playing Tina Fey.

"I just want to be there to show Americans that we will rise above the political shots that we take," said Palin.

Wait, what was SatTatt talking about? Oh, right! Letterman of course didn't actually manage to book Palin, but he got the closest thing this side of Wasilla: "30 Rock" star and Palin ringer Tina Fey, who spent a bit discussing her uncanny impersonations of the vice-presidential candidate on SNL over the last few weeks.

Fey was modest about her impression skills, which seem to have gotten as much media attention in the last few weeks as everything Joe Biden has done in the last few months put together. She said that nobody's had an easier job, accent-wise, since Billy Bob Thornton did "Sling Blade."

Fey broke Palin's accent down as "a little bit Fargo, a little bit Reese Witherspoon in 'Election' " with dashes of her friend Paula's grandmother and a love of the letter R thrown in.

Fey did seem a bit uncomfortable right after slipping into Palin's voice on request, as if realizing that she was going to be called on to chirp "I'll have to get back to ya!" for the next 10 years.

Barker leaves hospital

Four weeks to the day after surviving a plane crash, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker was released from a L.A. burn center yesterday. He wrote in his blog yesterday morning that he was healing fast and would be out "b4 you know it," along with a picture of his hand, covered in tattoos and nasty-looking burns, flipping off the camera (to demonstrate what he thought of life in the hospital, although he later amended that the Sherman Oaks Burn Center was in fact very nice, he just didn't like being in any hospital).

DJ AM, the only other survivor of the crash that killed the other four people aboard the plane, also appears to be getting back to normal, appearing onstage with Jay-Z this week.*

Double trouble

Original

Double trouble

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
Philadelphia Daily News

HUGH HEFNER didn't shock the world at all earlier this month when he announced that two of his three girlfriends were moving on to do other things and he would likely be replacing them with a pair of twin sisters, Karissa and Kristina Shannon.

That's just how Hef rolls! He founded Playboy! He wears a smoking jacket! He has a grotto! He dates twins sometimes!

Unfortunately for Hef, now that his life and loves are documented in the reality show "The Girls Next Door," his pick of girlfriends has become a more public affair, to the point that he maybe should start vetting.

It came out earlier this week that Hef's new lady friends were arrested this past January in St. Petersburg, Fla., for allegedly assaulting a woman with whom the twins worked at a Hooters-ish establishment.

Two months prior, though, Karissa was arrested for allegedly assaulting her own sister, who was wearing only blue jeans at the time. From the police report, which is undoubtedly hanging framed on the wall of some Florida police-break room:

A neighbor ". . . was woken up by the commotion going on outside . . . he saw the victim on the ground, and her twin sister standing over her kicking her in the face. Although [the witness] could not identify which sister was which, he was able to identify the two fighting as the twin sisters that live on the second floor of the apartment."

That's the problem with hot twin-on-twin crime: Witnesses can't tell them apart.

The arrest report lists the birth dates of the twins, and they are not only younger than SatTatt, but younger than SatTatt's little sister.

So in honor of the high school that Hef's new girlfriends so recently attended, here's a SatTatt brainteaser (answer at end of column):

Hugh Hefner is dating twins. In two years, Hef will be twice as old as the sum of the twins' combined ages. Twelve years ago, Hef was 10 times as old as his girlfriends.

Q: How old is Hugh Hefner, how old are his girlfriends, and how much better would the SATs be if they let SatTatt write the questions?

A. 78, 23, so much better

B. 72, 21, a little better

C. 76, 20, sooooooooooo much better

D. 82, 19, so much better that I'd be solving SatTatt word problems in my spare time

High School Musical it isn't

Teen idol Zac Efron is reportedly trying to break out of the wholesome image established for him by Disney and "High School Musical" by following in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliffe. Radcliffe managed to banish the spectre of Harry Potter with his starring role in the Peter Shaffer play Equus, getting rave reviews for his performances in London and New York. The lead is a mentally ill young man who is nude onstage for a solid half-hour.

The rumor can be traced back to British tabloid the Sun, which quoted Efron as saying, "You know that Daniel Radcliffe role on Broadway . . . well, it's been mentioned," at the London premiere of "High School Musical 3" yesterday.

It's likely that Efron was joking; Disney tightly controls the images of its teen stars (remember the scandal over those Vanity Fair photos of Miley Cyrus?) and doing Equus probably would mess with his contract. But boy, it would guarantee another sold-out six months of the Broadway production for sure. *

zombies, burn victims and deportation

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Zombies, burn victims and deportation, oh, my!

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

THE ECONOMY! Washington Mutual going belly-up! Potential second-in-lines-to-the-presidency appearing scarily uninformed about policy and historical facts in interviews! Potential second-in-line-to-the-presidency Sarah Palin appearing . . . at the Irish Pub last night?

Yes, it may appear that it's the end of the world as we know it. But if you're like SatTatt, you've developed a certain tolerance over the last few months for the apocalypse, so let's return to normalcy with some good, old-fashioned gossip!

Reality TV rots your BRAAINS

No, wait, SatTatt takes it back: Today's most potentially awesome news involves the zombie apocalypse.

"Dead Set," produced by the same company and being filmed on the same set as "Big Brother," will appear to be a standard reality show until the zombies attack.

The show is scripted and fully fictional: SatTatt has never supported reality shows in which contestants are actually eaten by zombies. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Rhymes: no longer busted

Rapper Busta Rhymes won a court order in Britain yesterday allowing him to perform a charity concert yesterday night at London's Royal Albert Hall.

Rhymes was stopped by immigration in a London airport Thursday. The attempt to have him kicked out of the UK was based on incorrect information that he had a conviction for felony gang assault. Rhymes has only misdemeanors on his record, for drunk driving and assualting a former driver and a fan.

DJ AM released from hospital

DJ AM, who with former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker survived a plane crash this month that killed the four other passengers, was released from a Georgia hospital yesterday and is back in Los Angeles.

Barker remains hospitalized, but friend Jermaine Dupri told reporters that Barker should be released in the next couple of weeks.

The DJ traveled to California by bus.

Inanity now!

* The long-awaited Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy will be distrubuted exclusively by, uh, Best Buy. OK, whatever, Axl Rose. Brian Wilson would never do this.

* Pop group Junior Senior disbanded yesterday to pursue solo projects; fans' pleas that the Denmark duo don't stop (don't stop), don't stop the beat went unheeded.

* "Transformers" star Shia LaBeouf beat the DUI rap, but may still lose his license for refusing to take a breathalyzer test.*

Free Katie

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Anonymous protesters try to "Free Katie!" on Broadway

By Emily Guendelsberger

Philadelphia Daily News

THE FACES of the Anonymous protesters may be familiar to Philadelphians: Hundreds of them at a time have turned up in Center City over the past year to hold demonstrations against Scientology. Their uniform usually involves a mask, often a smiling Guy Fawkes mask a la "V for Vendetta."

It's unlikely that the masked faces that turned up at the Broadway debut of Katie Holmes Thursday night are the same as our own hometown weirdos-with-a-cause (the Anonymous group has held protests in dozens of cities). But it was still pretty deja vu for SatTatt, who happened to wander through Anonymous' Philly demonstration in February.

The masked protesters chanted "Scientology kills!" and waved "Free Katie!" signs outside a preview performance of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons," in which Katie Holmes plays the role of Miss Ballyhoo.

Holmes' husband and noted Scientologist, Tom Cruise, was in the audience and reportedly hugged Dustin Hoffman, but did not engage the protesters.

John Lithgow stars in the revival, which opens Oct. 16.

Hasselbeck to move to Fox?

It must be the John Edwards scoop, because it seems that lately the media is taking the National Enquirer . . . well, let's say with only a grain of salt, rather than a snow shovel.

That being said, the Enquirer reports that Barbara Walters, doyenne of "The View," and often-bullied young conservative View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck are so at odds lately that Hasselbeck is . . . wait for it . . . considering taking an anchor job at Fox News.

Although SatTatt does not agree with Hasselbeck's views and generally finds her fairly shrill and uninformed, she still feels that it would be a great justice if Hasselbeck got to go from being pushed around by four outspoken left-wing ladies to pushing around liberal scapegoats of her own at Fox. Maybe they'll even give her her very own Alan Colmes! *

an Olympic word problem

original

Olympians like to get it on

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

WITH THE OLYMPIC closing ceremonies only a couple days away and most athletes done with their events and allowed to stray from strict training regimens, here's a special episode of SatTatt from the Olympic Village (well, in spirit).

Beginning with the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, the host country has traditionally (and thoughtfully) supplied the thousands of hard-bodied young athletes with thousands of condoms. In Sydney, the number was 70,000 condoms, and they ran out. Again: The athletes in Sydney used 70,000 condoms in two weeks - and had to fly in 20,000 more.

Beijing played it safer, so to speak, starting with an initial supply of 100,000. But what does that even mean? It's time for another SatTatt pop quiz!

Pop Quiz: China supplied the Olympic Village with 100,000 condoms. There are 16,500 athletes living in the Olympic Village. The Beijing Olympics are 17 days long. Assume for simplicity's sake that there are two Olympians involved in each condom use and that an average of 1.5 condoms are used per sexual encounter.

Q: If you are an athlete competing in the 2008 Olympics, approximately how frequently did the Chinese government think that you would get laid?

A. Twice a day

B. Once a day

C. Once every two days

D. Once every three days

E. Like, a million times a day

Looking at it logically, you can eliminate option E from the get-go. Not even Genghis Khan got laid a million times a day, and he fathered half of Europe if you believe Oxford geneticists.

So 100,000 divided by 16,500 athletes makes about six condoms per athlete. But it's not that easy! Two people share one condom, so put that up to 12 estimated sexual acts per athlete. If 1.5 condoms are used on average during a hook-up, that would take the number down to eight separate occurrences over the course of 17 days, which would mean that the Chinese government predicted that Olympic athletes would get laid . . .

C. Once every two days

See, math is fun! And even Olympic athletes don't get lucky every night.

SAT headhunters, SATTatt is always available to write questions just as awesome as this one.

Gold medalists get extra

Michael Phelps, one of our few of-age Olympians identifiable by the average American, is the subject of one of the only tidbits to leak from the Olympic Village: He was reportedly seen publicly making out with another gold-medal swimmer sponsored by Speedo, Stephanie Rice of Australia.

In semi-related news, Phelps just reportedly got a million-dollar advance from Simon & Schuster for "Built to Succeed," due out in December, in which he will write about his training for the 2008 games, although the title sort of makes it sound as if he'll write about how he's a Terminator-style robot.

Meanwhile, back in Baltimore

Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, who was terrifying as a gang assassin on "The Wire," was charged with drug possession Wednesday after police sent to arrest her for refusing to cooperate in a murder trial, found small amounts of marijuana in her bedroom.*

Original

$125,000 per eye

By Emily Guendelsberger
Philadelphia Daily News

POP QUIZ: Which best signifies the rock-bottom hit by DMX in the past few years? Choose as many as you feel are accurate.

A. Checking into the Mayo Clinic.

B. Trying to skip out on your Mayo Clinic bill by giving another person's name even though you're a famous, easily identifiable rapper.

C. Turning yourself in to police for missing a court date, having forgotten that there's a joint in the pack of cigarettes in your pocket.

D. Having police find guns, crack pipes and 12 starving pit bulls in your house, plus three dead pit bulls in your backyard.

E. Getting arrested outside a Miami Wal-Mart for flaking out on another court date.

F. Seeing your house foreclosed upon.

G. Going on Celebrity Rehab.

H. Acting in the movie "Cradle 2 the Grave."

OK, G isn't true, but it may not be far off! All these tabloids saying starlets are crying out for help because they haphazardly shave their own head or flash their Brazilian to photographers? Yeah, whatever.

Items E and F are the most recent. The Wal-Mart arrest happened Thursday, and his pro-bono lawyer announced yesterday that DMX is broke, his house has been foreclosed on and he was about to enter rehab when he was arrested. DMX is on a completely different plane than Lindsay Lohan or Amy Winehouse.

Doing the crazy eyes is hard!

Matthew Fox got himself a raise. He will now be making $250,000 per episode of "Lost," up from the $125,000 he was getting. Maybe Drug Addict Jack is way more taxing to play than Handsome Hero Jack? SatTatt has the inside scoop that Fox's new contract stipulates that he gets a new Fabrege egg for every episode in which his character tweaks out or has a hobo beard. The rest of the cast is still in salary negotiations.

In further "Lost" news, the producers put out a casting call for an actor to play Dan, a high-priced attorney who can be friendly, but has a "real menace lurking below the surface."

Three hot guys also really decent

Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law have donated their earnings from the new movie "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" to Heath Ledger's 2-year-old daughter, Matilda.

The three actors stepped in to replace Ledger, the original star of the movie, after his death in January. The concept is that Ledger's character, Tony, travels through a magic mirror to different dimensions, in which he coincidentally looks like other extremely attractive men.

Hopefully the money will help pay that poor kid's therapy bills when she's old enough to notice how Warner Brothers' marketing team spun her dad's death into

a $155 million opening week- end.*

Twin premiere

original

Premiere of twins imminent, lucrative

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER guendee@phillynews.com

A SPOKESWOMAN for People magazine announced yesterday that the world will soon be able to get its first look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twin newborn girls, born in France on July 12.

The amount that People paid for the pictures has not been confirmed by the magazine or the couple, but French newspaper Nice-Matin reported it as being $11 million, more than twice the amount paid for the first pictures of big sister Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The paper also reported that the money would be donated to charity.

And speaking of charity . . .

Charity group calls Bono a poser

Thepoint.com is a neat Web site set up to allow grass-roots organizations to raise money easily over the Internet. Its campaigns include one to force the return and resolution of the HBO show "Deadwood," one to return Brett Favre to the starting lineup of the Green Bay Packers, and one to keep Brett Favre firmly in retirement.

But the campaign that's been getting the most press lately wants your money for the noble cause of . . . making U2 singer Bono stop raising money for AIDS charities?

The group claims that the star's RED campaign has been "one huge advertisement for GAP, American Express, and for Bono himself," and has spent millions more on advertising than it did on actual charity work.

More pointedly, the site says that Bono's efforts are leading the public in a dangerous direction when it comes to charitable donations. Bono's efforts, the site claims, are counterproductive, encouraging consumers to buy RED iPods and Gap T-shirts as a high-profile and self-congratulatory substitute for just, uh, giving the money straight to charity.

The group says it will donate all the money it raises to the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria if the singer will retire from public life.

As of last night, the group had raised $796.

Inanity now!

* Lindsay Lohan fires back

L.A. Police Chief William Bratton, who, discussing the reasons why paparazzi were less of a nuisance than they had been, inadvertently outed Lohan.

"Since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving, Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," the police chief said.

Lohan, in a video on TMZ.com, angrily said that the police "shouldn't get involved in everyone else's business when it comes to their personal life. It's inappropriate."

* Richard Griffiths and "Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe will reprise their roles in Peter Shaffer's "Equus" when it opens on Broadway in September. London critics applauded Radcliffe's performance, but the play was mostly talked about for Radcliffe's extended nude scene.

* The busted-up hand that Shia LaBeouf got in his recent car accident will be written into the script of "Transformers 2," says director Michael Bay.

* Stephen Colbert, who noted on his show a while back that biologist Jason Bond had named a spider Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi after the singer, demanded, "Where's my spider?" Bond named a species of trapdoor spider Aptostichus stephencolberti (pronounced Steven Cole-berry). *

Behind the Bell

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER
guendee@phillynews.com

Dustin Diamond, famous for playing the character Screech Powers on 13-odd years of "Saved by the Bell" and its spinoffs (and notorious on a smaller scale for his sex tape, which was released in 2006 and was reportedly so disgusting that even battle-hardened veterans of Internet pornography were grossed out) is making another bid for renewed cultural relevance with a tell-all book, titled "Behind the Bell," about his days on on the show.

SatTatt admits that she is highly, in fact, rabidly curious (as, she suspects, will be every last non-Amish American between the ages of 20 and 29) about the details of the hinted-at "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying," apparently happening on-set while the show filmed. She hopes that Diamond and ghostwriter Alan Goldsher know their audience and skim over "Saved by the Bell: The New Class."

SatTatt would like to think that an appalling sex tape plus a ghostwritten memoir would not equal career resurgence, but it looks like it's worked for Diamond, as 2009 will see him doing some non-SbtB-related acting in a film version of Hamlet . . .

Oh, wait a second, that's "Hamlet A.D.D.", a movie out to answer the eternal question, "What if 'Hamlet' was reimagined as a sci-fi buddy comedy with a time-traveling, attention-deficient protagonist who just can't get around to avenging his father's death . . . and what if it were shot entirely on green screen?"

Diamond has a cameo in the first scene as Bernardo, a watchman who sees the ghost of Hamlet's father. Bernardo the watchman, in Shakespeare's version, has 19 lines.

Jolie commandos!

All is not well in the town of Brignoles.

If you've been following celebrity news, the place is instantly recognizable as the town in the French countryside where the Jolie-Pitt family has settled into their mansion after the birth of twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline earlier this month. The small town was chosen for its peacfulness and seclusion, but the stars seem to have brought their trouble with them.

Yesterday, the town's police department was still trying to sort out the details of a brawl between the couple's security force and two paparazzi so desperate for those first multimillion-dollar shots of the twins that they made a five-hour trek through the forest (while carrying all their equipment) to get a good angle on the Jolie-Pitt garden. When security guards discovered the intruders, a dustup occured, and now both sides are filing legal complaints accusing the other of battery and causing injury.

The paparazzi argue that the forest belongs to everyone, which is slightly surprising; SatTatt didn't know you could legally invoke Disney's "Pocahontas" in French courts.

The family's security team argues that not only were the photographers obviously trespassing on the couple's 1,235-acre property, but that their claims that nature belongs to us all were undercut by the fact that they had actually come in camouflage with provisions to camp out.

Meanwhile, the couple's neighbors are reportedly less than pleased about the circus that follows the Jolie-Pitt family. According to E! Online, many citizens are sick of their taxes going to protect the privacy of American celebrities. A group of citizens also has voiced their objections to the older children enrolling in the town's elementary school, saying that the paparazzi would ruin the school for the rest of the town's children.

Hopefully for the family, the furor will die down after the first pictures are released; the family has reportedly already made a deal with an American magazine. Which one and the amount of money paid for access are unreleased, but people in the business have estimated that they'll sell for between $10 and $20 million. *

Just like us!

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Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorcing - JUST LIKE US!

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

It appears that the accumulated rumors are true - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. And, in one of those rare flashes of humanity that gossip columnists always treasure like diamonds, it doesn't look as if it's going to be one of those nasty, bitter, weave-snatching Hollywood divorces that seem to be all the rage these days (see Mills/McCartney, Basinger/Baldwin, Richards/Sheen, SatTatt could go on).

The Daily Mirror, which broke the news yesterday, tells a pretty sad story of a couple who drifted apart. The British tabloid quoted a anonymous friend of the couple, who said, "They were both very calm. Madonna told Guy: 'I'm sorry, I want a divorce'. And he agreed. It was quite painless but very sad."

It reminds SatTatt a bit of that "Celebrities: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!" feature that runs in US Weekly. It features pictures of celebrities caught without their glamour on; getting Chinese takeout braless, picking up their chihuahua's poop in a plastic baggie, buying tampons at the grocery. It's like that, but with the enthusiastic captions written by Richard Yates.

SatTatt can just see it. "Celebrities: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! They sometimes drift apart over time and stay together for the kids, but it gets to be too much and they finally get divorced after several years of emotionally damaging each other then end up alone, staring at the wall and thinking of the lost promises of their youth!"

But wait. "Just Like Us!" despite the lack of a prenup, which could entitle Ritchie to half of Madonna's $590 million? Whether to stay dignified or lose the chance at hundreds of millions of dollars is hardly a choice that is often foisted on Us.

Plus, the rumors that kicked off the whole shebang were when Madonna allegedly hired Fiona "Steel Magnolia" Shackleton. Shackleton, who represented Paul McCartney in his divorce this year and who notably got a cup of ice water dumped on her head in the courtroom by an enraged Heather Mills, is regarded as the best in the business for keeping your ex's money-grubbing paws off your fortune; Shackleton got the last laugh by holding Mills to about $50 million of McCartney's estimated $1.6 billion net worth.

Well, either Madonna and Ritchie are both decent human beings or they have the best PR person in the world. SatTatt hopes that the whole business remains as classy as it has been to date, and that nobody with a cancer-stricken parent is told to "go cry to your bald mother, you f---ing loser." (That gem courtesy Richards/Sheen.)

But consider the source. The couple hasn't confirmed any of the rumors, and there has been a recent spate of anonymously-sourced tabloid exclusives that have proved embarrassingly untrue.

SatTatt's here to tell you straight: Angelina Jolie, tired of the constant harassment from paparazzi and gossip columnists, is on a vigilante campaign to punish and discredit the tabloids by calling in tasty fake tips which can then be proved blatantly false, beginning with the well-publicized non-birth of her twins last month.

At least, that's what SatTatt's extremely credible anonymous source told her. Just now. *

how to wreck your celebrity journalism career

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Fake source or just bad reporting?

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

THE PREMATURE JOLIE-PITT twins story just got so much weirder.

Brief recap: Last week, "Entertainment Tonight" reported on its Web site that it had information from an anonymous source "inside the delivery room" who had confirmed that Angelina Jolie had given birth to two healthy girls. The information was broadcast on the "Entertainment Tonight" TV show later that night despite contradictory information coming in from several other celebrity news organizations. As Jolie still appears to be pregnant, ET is left looking pretty silly.

Now the process of what exactly happened is out, and take note, SatTatt readers: Here is a step-by-step primer in how to wreck your career in celebrity journalism.

1. Obtain what you believe is a BlackBerry e-mail address for Jolie's assistant Holly Goline from a friend at CNN.

2. Send a message to that address asking for confirmation of the rumors that Jolie has given birth.

3. Become ecstatic when an affirmative response comes back.

4. After posting the scoop online, disregard the real Goline's repeated insistence that she has never owned a BlackBerry. Stand by your story.

"Entertainment Tonight takes this very seriously and is, of course, concerned that the show may have been victimized by someone allegedly posing as a member of Ms. Jolie's team," a statement from the show said. "We are actively investigating the matter and are reaching out to law enforcement agencies."

The Rock no longer!

The originator of such distinctive wrestling moves such as the People's Elbow, the People's Eyebrow and the Rock Bottom has declared that he is now the Actor Formerly Known as The Rock. Or, uh, just make that Dwayne Johnson.

The star of "The Game Plan" and "Southland Tales" is quietly ditching his famous nickname in the credits of the upcoming "Get Smart!" adaptation. (Extended side note: in "Get Smart!" Johnson makes out with star Steve Carrell. Of the experience, Carrell said: "[Johnson] smells like strawberry shortcake. For me, that's why they call him The Rock. He rocks people's worlds.").

From recent comments, the name shift looks to be a permanent one as Johnson tries to ride his recent successes in family-friendly roles to a PG-rated acting career. And with his previous incarnation known for making references to poon-tang pie and body-slamming people while wearing a small pair of briefs, Johnson decided that it was time for "The Rock" to retire.

"I'm aware of everything that comes with that nickname, and I just think there's a lot more you can do without it," Johnson said to Entertainment Weekly. "But I wanted it to happen naturally, from 'The Rock' to Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson to 'Dwayne Johnson.' "

SatTatt applauds the evolution of a career she has appreciated since her older male cousins forced her to watch the then-WWF show "RAW" in the early '90s. What The Rock was cooking back then was an hour in which SatTatt was not forced to assume the role of Monkey in the Middle.

Nevertheless, with Bob Dole and now The Rock essentially gone, SatTatt feels a little lonely referring to herself in third person all the time.

At least she'll always have Elmo.

Inanity now!

In a further attempt to rebrand herself as a country singer, Jessica Simpson showed up at the CMA Music Festival Block Party in Nashville on Wednesday. This was notable mostly for the fact that she showed up without semi-boyfriend Tony Romo, as Simpson did not perform her new single "Come on Over" . . . Evander Holyfield is trying to quash rumors that he is the latest in a string of celebrities unable to pay their mortgages after a foreclosure notice on his $10 million Atlanta mansion appeared in a local paper Wednesday. "I'm not broke, I'm just not liquid," said Holyfield, whose 109-room house lies on Evander Holyfield Highway. *

hate/love/set on fire

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Hate it or love it or set it on fire

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

THE $2.4 MILLION Long Island mansion that has been at the center of a nasty legal fight between rapper 50 Cent and ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins burned to the ground yesterday morning under circumstances that the fire department called "suspicious."

The New Dix fire chief said that the fire burned with an unusual intensity and that after extinguishing the fire he had turned the area over to arson investigators.

Everyone in the house was rescued (including a pet guinea pig) but six people, including Tompkins and her and 50 Cent's 10-year-old son Marquise, were taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation.

After leaving the hospital, Tompkins held a news conference where she very emotionally stated that 50 Cent is dangerously obsessed with her and had recently threatened her life.

"If he can't have me, no one can," Tompkins said. "He said that he was going to have someone come kill me, and see what he does. This is what he did."

50 Cent, who does not live at the house and was in Lousiana filming a movie at the time of the fire, has been trying to evict Tompkins since early April. Tompkins blocked her eviction with a countersuit in Manhattan's Supreme Court, claiming that she had evidence that the house was bought as a gift for her and her son a decade ago and that 50 Cent had promised to put her name on the deed.

Tompkins' attorney said that there had been an "extremely dangerous incident" on Monday in his Manhattan office, but didn't specify what the incident was. The Web site TMZ, however, reported yesterday that earlier this week, after a long day of depositions at the attorney's office, someone in 50 Cent's entourage had "trashed" the office.

SatTatt feels bad about the fire, but looks forward to seeing whether evening newscasters will say "Fifty Cent" or "Fitty Cent."

Nope, no babies yet, really

It appears that Entertainment Tonight jumped the gun yesterday morning when they located the Jolie-Pitt twins outside Angelina Jolie.

Other celebrity gossip sources, those paragons of accuracy, were calling ET's scoop bogus within two hours. SatTatt suggests, as a former fact-checking intern herself, that it might be in ET's best interest to pick a few up. It's not like you have to pay them; just get them pizza every once in a while and tell them there might be an editorial job opening up soon. Really.

The ET item cited an unnamed source close to the actress, who claimed that Jolie had given birth to twin girls named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane. People was the first to get a representative for the actress denying that she had given birth, followed closely by E! and US Weekly.

Then, the Web site for ET was down for several hours, with visitors getting only a white screen and "ET Online Technical Difficulties." Probably a more accurate statement would be "BRB: We're firing someone."

Jolie is due in mid-August.

Hot tranny message

"Project Runway" winner Christian Siriano yesterday apologized for a comment he made a Time Out New York panel on gay pride that offended many in the transsexual and transgendered communities.

Even though his catchphrase "hot tranny mess" (which if you believe the reality show's editors and the recent SNL skit make up 80% of the words that come out of the 22-year-old designer's mouth) is familiar to anyone who watched the show and didn't raise too many eyebrows, the transgender community was up in arms after Siriano responded to a question on why gay New Yorkers seem to end up in different niches around the city by saying, "If you think of heterosexuals, they have white-trash women and trailer parks, and we have drag queens and trannies."

Siriano insists that he meant no disrespect, saying that the quote was taken out of context. "Some of my close friends happen to be transgender and I think they are some of the most inspiring people in my life . . . I completely support the fabulousness and amazing fashion inspiration that most transgender people provide."

Siriano's response has since been removed from the Time Out New York Web site.

Inanity now!

Three of Bill Cosby's famously eye-searing sweaters that the actor wore on "The Cosby Show" are being auctioned off on eBay for charity. Bidding starts at $5,000 . . . Mel Brooks is quietly closing Brooksfilms after 30 years of producing his trademark comedies. Although the company hasn't made a movie since 1995 and Brooks has been focusing on Broadway in recent years, it's still sad that the place where "Spaceballs" was made will be gone . . . Jamie-Lynn Spears and babydaddy/fiance Casey Aldridge have purchased a prefab-looking home in Kentwood, La. . . . After a Stockholm conference on Iraq, Condoleezza Rice briefly hung out with members of the band KISS, who were also in Sweden and called her up. SatTatt realizes that the band members were wearing street clothes, but the image of Condi chatting with the band in full KISS regalia is far too great a mental image to let go . . . *

Tramsformer

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Wanna get blown up by Michael Bay?

by EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

IT HAS LONG been SatTatt's secret dream to be in a movie with giant computer-animated robots and lots of explosions. She figured she would never realize that dream, as L.A. is a long plane ride away and acting experience is generally necessary.

But no longer! Heery Casting yesterday announced an open call for extras in "Transformers 2," directed by king-of-all-that-explodes Michael Bay, for scenes to be shot in June in Philly and Princeton.

The call, which will be held a week from today at Bullies Bar at the Spectrum (3600 S. Broad), is for both SAG and nonunion actors ages 18-70, although an online ad states that college-age men and women are especially needed. Extras will be paid; no acting experience is necessary.

SAG actors should be there from 10-11 a.m. with their card, nonunion from 11-3 p.m. Everyone should bring a mug shot of him/herself. For more info, check out www.heerycasting. com.

And speaking of special effects . . .

Dispatches from the never-ending child-pornography trial of R. Kelly: Yesterday, a female Kelly fan was arrested after she started yelling "Free R. Kelly!" outside the courtroom. Her bail was set at $50,000.

After the interruption, the trial continued with its usual air of class. Several friends of the girl, who allegedly was Kelly's partner in the 26-minute sex tape and who appears to be 12 or 13 years old, took the stand to identify her.

During the cross-examination of Simha Johnson, the former best friend of the girl, Kelly's attorney, Sam Adams Jr., proposed that the tape could have been faked with computers.

Adams used the example of the 2006 movie "Little Man," in which some power-addled Hollywood producer decided that it would be funny to digitally graft the head of Marlon Wayans onto the body of a dwarf. The effect, if you have not seen this particular film, is less comedic than uncanny, uncomfortable and unbelievably terrifying.

After asking Johnson if she had seen the movie, Adams asked, "It looked real, didn't it?"

Johnson's eyebrow-cocked reply of "Not really!" cracked the courtroom up.

Congratulations on no convictions!

Nicole Richie will receive a Golden Pacifier award for parenting from Babytalk magazine. Editor-in-chief Lisa Moran cites as an example for young mothers Richie's turnaround from DUIs and partying since her pregnancy.

Because if you have a child and give up blowing coke and driving drunk, that's clearly award-worthy rather than the only acceptable option. Where's SatTatt's mom's medal?

Also receiving a golden pacifier is Ricki Lake for her part in the 2008 documentary "The Business of Being Born." The movie was notable for discussing the issues involved with giving birth at home, but was mostly noted for its extremely graphic birth scenes, including Lake giving birth to her second child in a bathtub.

Although SatTatt is all about motherhood, she feels that mandatory screenings of this movie in middle schools across America would reduce teen pregnancy by way of sheer dread. The depictions of birth are beautiful and miraculous and everything, but what they are most of all is realistic, bloody and enough to make any teenage girl think three or four times before having unprotected sex.

And that definitely deserves a golden pacifier. *

Marilyn Monroe sex tape hoax

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Marilyn Monroe sex tape a hoax

By EMILY GUENDELSBERGER

guendee@phillynews.com

WHAT DO Marilyn Monroe, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have in common? Of course, each woman was a point on the singer/actress continuum, each dyed her hair blond at point or another, and each was famous in her day for having a hot mess of a social life. But in more specific terms, all three have recently had media panting over false rumors that they had starred in sex tapes.

Lohan and Spears rumors are old news. But Monroe was back scandalizing a new generation from beyond the grave after New York collectibles dealer Keya Morgan came forward earlier this week with a wild story involving a 15-minute "French-type" silent reel, the FBI, Marilyn Monroe, a secret $1.5 million sale and the thwarted vengeance of J. Edgar Hoover.

The story as told by Morgan: The film, of a pre-fame Monroe performing oral sex on an unidentified man, was in the possession of the son of a former FBI informant who had worked under Hoover during the Kennedy administration. Hoover obtained the film in the '60s, hoping that the unidentified man in the film was JFK and that it could be used against him. Morgan, who first heard of the film while digging through recently-made-public FBI documents, tracked down the informant's son. The son was in possession of a bootleg copy of the film, which he claims is the only existing copy. Morgan then brokered a $1.5 million sale of the reel to an unidentified New York businessman, who Morgan says purchased it specifically so that it would never see the light of day and ruin Monroe's legacy.

Thus Morgan, having secured Monroe's good name out of the goodness of his heart... went and told the press the details of the French-type film, his part in brokering the deal and his upcoming documentary.

If you've noticed something fishy about this story, you're not the only one. After big news outlets picked up the story, several blogs and Web sites stepped up to poke holes in what they see as a shameless self-promotion move to get press for Morgan's unreleased documentary.

Web sites Defamer, the Smoking Gun and Radar are among several that questioned Morgan's credibility, going so far as to track down and publish the FBI documents that Morgan claimed had led him to the film and to point out some large differences between what the documents say and what Morgan claims they say, including how the dying informant got the reel in the first place. Defamer, which led the pack in scrutinizing the claims, is now being threatened with legal action by Morgan.

So what with Morgan's claims not lining up with the FBI's paperwork and his refusal to disclose any of the names in his story other than his own or to produce proof of the film's existence and Monroe experts far and near calling shenanigans, SatTatt feels pretty safe sticking Marilyn in the Venn diagram overlap of "Women who partied all night long" and "Women who nevertheless are not on film performing sexual acts." May she, Lindsay and Britney party hard in there for a long time. *

Jolie-Pitt twins?

Jolie-Pitt twins?

EMILY GUENDELSBERGER; guendee@phillynews.com

THERE ARE now two anonymous sources claiming that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are not only expecting again, but expecting twins. First to break the dubious news was paparazzi organization X17, followed by an exclusive by Star magazine stemming from another anonymous source.

These specific pregnancy rumors come after more general pregnancy rumors spurred by Jolie's Jan. 7 appearance at the Critics' Choice awards looking less distressingly thin than usual and drinking only nonalcoholic beverages. Here's hoping for their sakes that they aren't girls, lest they grow up in the shadow of an Olsen Twins-style Countdown to Legality clock that will inevitably be put on the Internet 10 seconds after their birth.

Cage: I did not steal that dog

In one of today's more bizarre stories (but really, what involving Nicolas Cage isn't bizarre? Anybody see the "Wicker Man" remake? Anybody? Just SatTatt, then?), Cage refuted claims made in the memoirs of "Peggy Sue Got Married" co-star Kathleen Turner that he . . . well, it's easier to just quote the passage. He:

"caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."

Cage responded to Turner's allegations in the following priceless statement: "I have never been arrested for anything in my life, nor have I stolen a dog."

Clemens' Moment of Truth

Out of the many ways to handle serious allegations of drug abuse, one stands clear as maybe not the best choice: to do it on a nationally broadcast game show hosted by the host of "Joe Millionaire" and "Temptation Island."

The show in question is "Moment of Truth," in which contestants are hooked up to a polygraph and asked uncomfortable questions in front of their loved ones in hopes of winning up to $500,000 if they can answer 21 questions truthfully. As if that weren't cringe-y enough, the show's creator and producer, Howard Schultz, recently contacted pitcher Roger Clemens, offering him the chance to clear his name of allegations of steroid abuse.

"People have stood in awe at your incredible accomplishments in baseball," wrote Schultz in the grammatically iffy missive. "This show could let the world know that you are an incredibly courageous person as well to clear your name in front of a nationwide audience, all in the name of charity."

Insert 'Rehab' pun here

The turning point for singer Amy Winehouse's Thursday entry into rehab was when her father admitted that her family has looked into getting her committed under Britain's Mental Health Act after seeing a recent video of the singer smoking crack in front of her wedding photo.

Fellow singer Alanis Morrisette was unable to be reached for comment, but it is expected that she would rhetorically ask, "Isn't it ironic? You know, because her hit single was called 'Rehab' and now she's in rehab. Don't you think?" before musing that the situation is like rain on your wedding day. Tattle wishes Ms. Winehouse a successful recovery.

Whom do you want to be?

The Beverly Hills Institute of Aesthetic and Reconstructive Surgery has released its annual list of the most-requested celebrity look-alike features. Vain women everywhere have spoken: We want the eyes of Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie's lips, Katherine Heigl's nose, Carrie Underwood's jawline, Jessica Simpson's hair (wait, they do hair?) and Keira Knightley's cheeks, all topping off the body of Jessica Biel. If after hearing this, you're considering making your millions by pitching "Frankenstein: 90210" to ABC, step off - SatTatt is already there and will mess your pretty face right up.

Inanity now!

The body of Heath Ledger was transported from the Frank E. Campbell funeral home to an unidentified NYC airport. . . . Lil' Wayne was charged yesterday with four counts of felony drug and weapon possession after his tour bus was searched by an Arizona canine border-patrol unit, which turned up 4 ounces of marijuana, an ounce of cocaine, 41 grams of ecstasy and a .40-caliber pistol. His bail terms allow him to continue his tour. . . . Fox News' John Gibson, after days of protesting that it was a good joke, has finally made his apology (albeit insincere-sounding) for the crack, "Well, you certainly did find a way to quit him," a reference to the line from "Brokeback Mountain," that the radio personality made on his show after hearing of Heath Ledger's death. *

New weight-loss spokesroyalty

New weight-loss spokesroyalty

Jenny Craig one-ups rival Weight Watchers, which famously counted Fergie, duchess of York, as a member by signing some even higher-ranked royalty: Queen Latifah will be the new face of Jenny Craig. Latifah joins the austere ranks of Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli, and says she will focus less on weight loss for the sake of weight loss and more on healthy living. Let's hope nobody remembers those Pizza Hut commercials.

AP thinks Spears is a risk

With her marriage broken, her children taken away, her career in a tailspin and the state of her mental health/pubic grooming on constant display on newsstands across the country, how could things get much worse for poor Britney Spears? Well, now a major news outlet has officially put her on the likely-to-suddenly-die list: The Associated Press began preparing the obituary of Britney Spears last month. "We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it's easily one of the biggest stories in a long time," said AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington.

She's a man, baby!

Vogue editor Anna Wintour (the real-life inspiration for Meryl Streep's nasty character in "The Devil Wears Prada") takes a pointed dig at Hillary Clinton in her February editor's letter. Wintour bemoans the state of America, in which women seeking power must look "mannish." Wintour goes on to state that "this is America, not Saudi Arabia."

Thanks for filling us in, Anna. Because $10,000 handbag is to power suit as western clothing is to burka. I'm pretty sure I remember that one from the last time I took the SATs. Wintour's remarks were spurred by the senator backing out of a photo shoot, reportedly for fear of appearing too feminine.

She's all ears

Jailed Brooklyn rapper Foxy Brown, in the fourth month of her one-year sentence for violation of probation, has filed an appeal with the New York State Supreme Court asking to be released early from Riker's Island due to an issue with her cochlear implant, which was damaged in an altercation with a fellow inmate. "Please understand that sitting in a prison with murderers and criminals is not rehabilitating or what I need to deal with my inner issues," said Brown in part of her four-page letter. Rival Brooklyn rapper Lil' Kim could not be reached for comment, but reportedly has been laughing hysterically while rolling around on a pile of mink for several hours. *